Come to me, my dear sir!

I was confused, annoyed, frustrated, weird, strange, odd. I didn’t know what I wanted & I still don’t. I haven’t a clue where I’m going, what I’m doing, what’s ahead, but I’ve found that most haven’t any idea.

No one truly knows their path. It’s difficult to find. There are bumps & curves along the way & it’s never completely clear. Something always happens in between. Maybe I’m realizing that now. Is it too late? Nah, not really. Time will tell. Truly. 

So, there’s always confusion when it comes to relationships. Does she like me? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something off? Why doesn’t she like me? Why would she say this & that and then distance herself from me out of nowhere? Why? I want answers– you may say.

A double date took place last night involving my bestie, her bf and that other guy I wrote about previously. Complicated much? Definitely. Absolutely. 100%. Indefinitely.

There was MAD flirting going on during the car ride, Pennhurst Asylum, which was the destination and in the parking lot. It was everywhere finding us at the best times. Flirting between my bestie and her man as well as the guy & I.  And, I confused the living shit out of him. Truly. Definitely. I confused the hell out of myself. I apologized. From the bottom of my heart, I was sorry. I gave mixed signals and stirred hurt feelings. This is me. Did I mention I haven’t a clue what I want? 

When I FEEL the moment, when I’m in the moment, I step out of my normal zone and do something that will shock the other person. Like, when I grabbed his hand to hold. I was scared as we entered the Pennhurst building & I was counting on him to protect me. It was merely a haunted house & fictional, but I felt it at that time. Along with that, my bestie & her man were getting close. This trip allowed me to sort of decide what I wanted.

I told him I’d like to take this slow. And, I’m talking about EXTREMELY slow. Don’t be too, too honest with me or it will scare me off. That’s what happened before. He came on way  too strong & we got too deep too early. It felt rushed to me and I panicked. I freaked out. I stuttered. I shook with fear. I was a bit scared of this man & I wanted to play it off. But, truly, when I looked inside myself, I knew that was what happened. 

Sure, 6 months ago was a while. However, I still have pent-up issues from my last relationship, which are carrying into this one. No, we’re not in a relationship. No, we’re NOT going to have a title. We’re just hanging out. Getting to know each other. Having fun. Enjoying each other. One thing is clear– we like each other. A lot.

My bestie told me he likes me a lot. I know. I know he does & I sort of like him a lot too. I’m just a little scared. I won’t lie. No way. No how,

We held hands. He opened up to me & told me things. We hugged. And, the night ended with a kiss. I was super nervous about that, but I knew I wanted it. I so felt it. I felt it earlier in the night, but nothing was established.

He didn’t try to touch me. He didn’t grab me. He didn’t attempt anything & I loved it. No, I’m so not affectionate. Duh. I never have been. But, I knew I wanted something. I knew we’d hold hands. I knew we’d get close.

I thanked him for sharing stuff with me. I appreciated it. He doesn’t normally open up to others. It’s rather difficult for him & the fact that he opened up to me made me feel very special. I love when guys are vulnerable & show that they are human too. Guys are taught not to cry. Hide your feelings! You aren’t allowed to shed tears! That looks weak. How is that possible? How is showing emotion a sign of weakness? To me, it’s a sign of strength . You must be powerful & almighty to cry in front of me.

He revealed some deep, deep things, to which I won’t disclose. No way. No how. I can’t. I won’t. I shouldn’t. And, I’m not going to.

He was so vulnerable with me and I loved helping him & listening to him discuss these hard topics. At one point, with tears in my eyes, I said I’m sorry. I couldn’t look at his facial expression, but I can bet it was a painful look. He doesn’t let everyone see that, but I told him I won’t judge him and he can tell me whatever he wants.

With 100% certainty, I mean that. Tell me. Call me. Text me. Skype me. Visit me. Whatever you need, whatever you want– come to me.

Come to me, my dear sir!

I’m starting to love myself.

I sat and waited. Waited until I blasted my brains out. I’d constantly check my email about 4-5 times per day, always refreshing the page, but nothing came. I thought the interview went quite well, but so did the one before that and the other one. I was annoyed that I wasn’t getting my answer. Good or bad, I wanted to know. I had to know soon enough. I drove myself crazy, with my heart beating a mile a minute whenever I’d get an email. I hoped, prayed, wished for it to happen. I wanted it so badly that I could taste it in my mouth. With every bone in my body, I wanted this.

So, I emailed my editor to check in. To my surprise, she told me she was waiting on the Managing Editor. I had no clue if that meant I had it or what, but I hoped for the best and tried not to think about it. I wanted to distract myself by doing other activities, but nothing worked of course. My mind always wandered to the final decision. To put it simple, I no longer wanted to wait.

A few days passed and still nothing. Out of nowhere, a woman from HR contacted me and telling to fill out this application ASAP! But, I was at work at the time, so it would have to wait. I was so pissed, so annoyed that I had to work on this night while I was supposed to fill out this paperwork. After work, I rushed home to apply.

After three days, my email came confirming I had obtained the internship. I swear, I just sat there reading and re-reading the email over and over again. Huh? Was it real life? Was I really just graced with this glorious opportunity? My jaw literally dropped as I corresponded with my editor about the days of work. I would make my way to New York City, once again, to fulfill my dreams as a magazine writer. I’d be surrounded by magazine peeps, my peeps and I loved it. They loved this industry just as much as I. I would soak it up and live it up. I would gain plenty of knowledge and not give up.

I couldn’t be happier. I missed those NYC trips to the core. I could dress up in fashionable attire and lipstick. This allowed me to quit my retail job, which I was especially happy about!

I’m moving over on the career ladder instead of staying put. It’s my time to shine and nothing will get in my way. I love magazines. I love writing. I love dressing up. I love being a girl. I love being small. I’m truly beginning to love myself. For real this time. 100% .

So, when I joyously gave me two weeks, I was excited to see the next chapter in my life. What would happen? Would I still long for those Temple Days? Not as much & I loved that. I missed those days to the core & this might make me think of my career path instead of the past.

But, truly and finally, I’m starting to love myself!

I think I’m done with relationships. I think.

He seemed perfect in almost every way. He showed the same interests as me and was virtually me. He seemed to be the male version of me. Smart. Sweet. Nice. Funny. Cool. Intellectual. Cute. Into Health & Fitness. Generous. Kind. But, then, in a matter of a few hours something changed, altered. This perfect guy I’ve been speaking to for two weeks somehow changed in my eyes. I feel like I made him up to be perfect in my mind–without flaws. “No, there must be something wrong with him. He’s too perfect,” I constantly reminded myself. I keep telling myself to relax whenever I thought about him. Maybe I longed for him to meet every single one of my standards? When it comes to relationships, I have rather high expectations and standards. It’s going to screw me over. Literally.Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have problems, issues deeper than you’ll ever know, ever see. All you see is the pretty girl with the pink lips and nice smile. But, you don’t know what’s really deep inside. You have no clue. Maybe you think you know, but truly, you haven’t a clue. No one does. I don’t speak a lot, but when I blind you with my million watt smile, it seems I’m happy as can be. I’d laugh hard at you.

IT’S me. I swear. I have loads, lots to think about. First off, do I truly want, need, desire a relationship right now? I’m just not sure if it’s best for me. I keep thinking ahead to the holidays, thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. Around this time, literally, I was about to get into a 6-month relationship. Actually, in 2 days it would have been 1 year. Damn. Crazy. No, I wouldn’t get back with him.

This guy & I began talking two weeks ago today, on one of those damn dating sites, which I’m probably going to delete. I’m done with that shit. I’d rather it happen naturally. How could my feelings just magically change in the blink of an eye? Literally, just this morning I was ecstatic about our date. However, by the end, I wanted to peace out. I was done. What changed?

I’m young, beautiful, smart, have goals and a great education. I’m sure when the time comes, I’ll meet a great guy. Maybe it’s not time. Maybe I just need to stop fucking looking for it. I need to really focus on myself and not dudes, guys, men, just me.

For some reason, by the end, I wanted out. How could I literally change my mind in less than 24 hours? How is that humanly possible? I think I envisioned this specific picture of how he’d be and when that expectation wasn’t met, I began to have doubts. I believe that’s part of it. But, from what I’ve seen, he’s a great guy. It’s just I’m not sure how I feel about starting a relationship with him. He’s everything I’m looking for in a man, yet he’s not. I can’t explain it.

One of my besties just got into a relationship. He’s not everything she’s looking for, but he’s damn close. I think he’s so good for her and is exactly what she needs. It’s not always about what you want, it’s about what you need! The essentials.

First, I’m extremely weird when it comes to relationships. I mean, they need to be almost perfect or I freak. That’s extremely bad and maybe I won’t find someone with such high standards, but time will tell. Who knows what will happen. I can’t predict the future, but I know what I want. No, I don’t know exactly who I am yet, but I’m halfway there.  I’m not perfect  myself, so why would I think my other half has to be? Maybe that’s why though. Since I’m not perfect, I need someone else to be. I’m fucked up, screwed up, messed  up. Ew. Nasty, disgusting.

I just don’t know what I want. I don’t know if that’s nasty and gross. I just don’t know, I’m not settled in any sort of place right now. I’m just not completely comfortable with anything. My internship–mostly.

I have to figure it out. I’m so not stringing this guy along. He’s too nice.

Literally, I was just talking to him about the activities  we can do during the holidays and now I’m not even sure about him. I change my mind too quickly. I’m super weird and that’s not healthy. That’s purely disgusting though. How could I let that happen?

I think I’m done with relationships. I think.