I think I’m done with relationships. I think.

He seemed perfect in almost every way. He showed the same interests as me and was virtually me. He seemed to be the male version of me. Smart. Sweet. Nice. Funny. Cool. Intellectual. Cute. Into Health & Fitness. Generous. Kind. But, then, in a matter of a few hours something changed, altered. This perfect guy I’ve been speaking to for two weeks somehow changed in my eyes. I feel like I made him up to be perfect in my mind–without flaws. “No, there must be something wrong with him. He’s too perfect,” I constantly reminded myself. I keep telling myself to relax whenever I thought about him. Maybe I longed for him to meet every single one of my standards? When it comes to relationships, I have rather high expectations and standards. It’s going to screw me over. Literally.Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have problems, issues deeper than you’ll ever know, ever see. All you see is the pretty girl with the pink lips and nice smile. But, you don’t know what’s really deep inside. You have no clue. Maybe you think you know, but truly, you haven’t a clue. No one does. I don’t speak a lot, but when I blind you with my million watt smile, it seems I’m happy as can be. I’d laugh hard at you.

IT’S me. I swear. I have loads, lots to think about. First off, do I truly want, need, desire a relationship right now? I’m just not sure if it’s best for me. I keep thinking ahead to the holidays, thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. Around this time, literally, I was about to get into a 6-month relationship. Actually, in 2 days it would have been 1 year. Damn. Crazy. No, I wouldn’t get back with him.

This guy & I began talking two weeks ago today, on one of those damn dating sites, which I’m probably going to delete. I’m done with that shit. I’d rather it happen naturally. How could my feelings just magically change in the blink of an eye? Literally, just this morning I was ecstatic about our date. However, by the end, I wanted to peace out. I was done. What changed?

I’m young, beautiful, smart, have goals and a great education. I’m sure when the time comes, I’ll meet a great guy. Maybe it’s not time. Maybe I just need to stop fucking looking for it. I need to really focus on myself and not dudes, guys, men, just me.

For some reason, by the end, I wanted out. How could I literally change my mind in less than 24 hours? How is that humanly possible? I think I envisioned this specific picture of how he’d be and when that expectation wasn’t met, I began to have doubts. I believe that’s part of it. But, from what I’ve seen, he’s a great guy. It’s just I’m not sure how I feel about starting a relationship with him. He’s everything I’m looking for in a man, yet he’s not. I can’t explain it.

One of my besties just got into a relationship. He’s not everything she’s looking for, but he’s damn close. I think he’s so good for her and is exactly what she needs. It’s not always about what you want, it’s about what you need! The essentials.

First, I’m extremely weird when it comes to relationships. I mean, they need to be almost perfect or I freak. That’s extremely bad and maybe I won’t find someone with such high standards, but time will tell. Who knows what will happen. I can’t predict the future, but I know what I want. No, I don’t know exactly who I am yet, but I’m halfway there.  I’m not perfect  myself, so why would I think my other half has to be? Maybe that’s why though. Since I’m not perfect, I need someone else to be. I’m fucked up, screwed up, messed  up. Ew. Nasty, disgusting.

I just don’t know what I want. I don’t know if that’s nasty and gross. I just don’t know, I’m not settled in any sort of place right now. I’m just not completely comfortable with anything. My internship–mostly.

I have to figure it out. I’m so not stringing this guy along. He’s too nice.

Literally, I was just talking to him about the activities  we can do during the holidays and now I’m not even sure about him. I change my mind too quickly. I’m super weird and that’s not healthy. That’s purely disgusting though. How could I let that happen?

I think I’m done with relationships. I think.


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