I was confused, annoyed, frustrated, weird, strange, odd. I didn’t know what I wanted & I still don’t. I haven’t a clue where I’m going, what I’m doing, what’s ahead, but I’ve found that most haven’t any idea.
No one truly knows their path. It’s difficult to find. There are bumps & curves along the way & it’s never completely clear. Something always happens in between. Maybe I’m realizing that now. Is it too late? Nah, not really. Time will tell. Truly.
So, there’s always confusion when it comes to relationships. Does she like me? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something off? Why doesn’t she like me? Why would she say this & that and then distance herself from me out of nowhere? Why? I want answers– you may say.
A double date took place last night involving my bestie, her bf and that other guy I wrote about previously. Complicated much? Definitely. Absolutely. 100%. Indefinitely.
There was MAD flirting going on during the car ride, Pennhurst Asylum, which was the destination and in the parking lot. It was everywhere finding us at the best times. Flirting between my bestie and her man as well as the guy & I. And, I confused the living shit out of him. Truly. Definitely. I confused the hell out of myself. I apologized. From the bottom of my heart, I was sorry. I gave mixed signals and stirred hurt feelings. This is me. Did I mention I haven’t a clue what I want?
When I FEEL the moment, when I’m in the moment, I step out of my normal zone and do something that will shock the other person. Like, when I grabbed his hand to hold. I was scared as we entered the Pennhurst building & I was counting on him to protect me. It was merely a haunted house & fictional, but I felt it at that time. Along with that, my bestie & her man were getting close. This trip allowed me to sort of decide what I wanted.
I told him I’d like to take this slow. And, I’m talking about EXTREMELY slow. Don’t be too, too honest with me or it will scare me off. That’s what happened before. He came on way too strong & we got too deep too early. It felt rushed to me and I panicked. I freaked out. I stuttered. I shook with fear. I was a bit scared of this man & I wanted to play it off. But, truly, when I looked inside myself, I knew that was what happened.
Sure, 6 months ago was a while. However, I still have pent-up issues from my last relationship, which are carrying into this one. No, we’re not in a relationship. No, we’re NOT going to have a title. We’re just hanging out. Getting to know each other. Having fun. Enjoying each other. One thing is clear– we like each other. A lot.
My bestie told me he likes me a lot. I know. I know he does & I sort of like him a lot too. I’m just a little scared. I won’t lie. No way. No how,
We held hands. He opened up to me & told me things. We hugged. And, the night ended with a kiss. I was super nervous about that, but I knew I wanted it. I so felt it. I felt it earlier in the night, but nothing was established.
He didn’t try to touch me. He didn’t grab me. He didn’t attempt anything & I loved it. No, I’m so not affectionate. Duh. I never have been. But, I knew I wanted something. I knew we’d hold hands. I knew we’d get close.
I thanked him for sharing stuff with me. I appreciated it. He doesn’t normally open up to others. It’s rather difficult for him & the fact that he opened up to me made me feel very special. I love when guys are vulnerable & show that they are human too. Guys are taught not to cry. Hide your feelings! You aren’t allowed to shed tears! That looks weak. How is that possible? How is showing emotion a sign of weakness? To me, it’s a sign of strength . You must be powerful & almighty to cry in front of me.
He revealed some deep, deep things, to which I won’t disclose. No way. No how. I can’t. I won’t. I shouldn’t. And, I’m not going to.
He was so vulnerable with me and I loved helping him & listening to him discuss these hard topics. At one point, with tears in my eyes, I said I’m sorry. I couldn’t look at his facial expression, but I can bet it was a painful look. He doesn’t let everyone see that, but I told him I won’t judge him and he can tell me whatever he wants.
With 100% certainty, I mean that. Tell me. Call me. Text me. Skype me. Visit me. Whatever you need, whatever you want– come to me.
Come to me, my dear sir!