I stared into his glittering, glistening eyes for exactly 10 minutes. During this period, words were left out. We neither spoke nor made faces, we just looked into each others eyes. We didn’t need to say a thing because our eyes were doing the work. They were giving off a sort of energy that’s indescribable, unexplainable and strong. When these moments occur, I always want to know what he’s thinking about, what exactly is going through his mind when his eyes meet mine. But, even so, I don’t ask. It’s not as strong of a need as before. Without even expressing himself, I know exactly how he feels about him.
I can feel his love. I can feel something happening and it’s freekin scary as hell.
Over dinner at the Golden Eagle Diner, he discloses his feelings for me by simply saying, “You know how I feel about you. I’m falling for you.” With my heart beating a mile a minute and my cheeks blushing like crazy, I share the same feelings with him. As scary as it is for me to hear that, I know what he’s just said is real and this relationship isn’t a joke. “I’m not going to be the first to say ‘I love you,” he shares with me over pancakes and a turkey bacon sandwich. “But, what if I say it first and you don’t say it back,” I immediately continue with. With a sparkle in his eyes, he says, “Trust me, by the time you say it, I’ll be ready.”
Last night as I spoke with my mother on the phone in his room and ended with, “I love you.” He said, “Aw.. I love you too.” I completely ignored it, but then, I thought about it later. Was that a joke or was he half-serious. I’m probably making things up and thinking too much into it because he often jokes like that, but I didn’t really acknowledge it. Instead, I brushed it off and continued with what my mother had just told me on the phone.
That night, my heart felt so full. I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to stay put. I felt so safe and secure in his arms and I didn’t want to pry myself away. I felt as if I could cry leaving him. Jokingly he says, “let’s just get married.” I told him that I really am falling for him. I was being dead serious and I couldn’t help but think, “this guy is the one for me.” I’m not going to find anyone who comes close to him. Maybe it’s still too early to tell, but I knew from the moment I met him that he was different. He’s changed me in a positive way. I’m not as afraid to grow-up and I see life in a different light than before.
I missed him. Gosh, I missed him so freekin much when I got home. I felt sick. Literally. I wanted to puke, vomit, throw up, but I dealt with it. I swear, I’ve NEVER been this close to falling in love. I felt infatuation with my other two boyfriends, but there was NEVER love there. Love never came into play. With this man, I feel it. I’ve NEVER said to someone of the opposite sex, “I’m falling for you.” Never in my life have I felt THIS strongly about another human being. I want to protect him. I want to keep him safe. I want to be with him.
On January 30th, it will be 2 months. It seems way longer than two months. We began talking on October 6th, 2013, but I swear it seems like longer. I swear, we’ve been dating for two years not two months.
To think, in the beginning, I friend zoned this man telling myself, “I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t need a man. I don’t want a man. I can’t have a man. A man wouldn’t be good for me. I need to focus solely on my career and not worry about anything else. No, no, no.”
But, now, I think. I think I’m really falling in love with him.