When will you breathe?

When will you breathe: 10 years.

On our 4th date, we sat in his car listening to various tunes on his iPod. Expressionless and staring into space without a word, I listened to the lyrics from one of his favorite songs. I concentrated and didn’t speak. I couldn’t. I felt his pain circulate throughout my body and wanted it to stay. I needed to feel what he felt, understand what he went through all of these years being alone without a soul to console him. He went through so much and I wanted to be there.

I felt his anger. I felt his pain. The tears nearly formed in my eyes when I listened to this song. So sad. So painful. So dreary. Filled with pure and utter loneliness.

Looking into dark skies makes you
Feel this loneliness that breaks you
But you made it through this…
But you made it through this…

The stars shine to tell you it’s OK now
You’re fighting, but you still can not breathe now
You made it through this…
But you made it through this…

I know you hate this
The tears roll down your face
To pale complexions
Are stone and won’t erase

Your eyes close every night waiting to be there
The morning fucks your plan, when will you breathe
But you made it through this…
But you made it through this…
I know you hate this
The tears roll down your face
To pale complexions
Are stone and won’t erase
I know you hate this
The tears roll down your face
To pale complexions
Are stone and won’t erase 

Sometimes my eyes fill with tears for no reason, he shared with me in his car as I sat on his lap staring into his pained eyes.

In every bone in my body, I felt the tragedy, loneliness, disheartening truth he had to bear. I swear, I felt it and I wasn’t even aware of it. I think back to that cold and breezy October 2013 night when we made our way to Deanna’s Bar in Lambertville. He looked into my eyes and said, would you hold it against me if I told you you’re gorgeous? blushing, I replied, no. He stared at me with a glitter in his eyes as we sat our meal. It was a romantic and dark setting as we spoke and traded stories. Do you trust me? I asked. With certainty, he said, 100 percent. Wow, you don’t trust anyoneWith a certain look in his eyes, he said, I can judge character.

Thinking back from that point to now is overwhelming. I remember when I wanted nothing to do with this guy and now I’m really digging and falling for him.

WHEN. WILL. YOU. BREATHE.