I’m worried about him.

B.

(Him & I)

Two Days On Two Days Off. Off. On. Sick. Healthy. Tired. Working Out. Cold. Hot. Angry. Sad. Positive. Negative.

No, I’m not referring to myself. Rather, I’m speaking about the boyfriend. His new job is wicked. It’s affecting his health– in a bad way.  He’s lost weight and muscle mass. He still has nice muscles, but he’s not a happy camper. I tell him if he can’t handle it, he should go back to his other shift. He works 7PM-7AM. Who wants to work that shift? Not a soul. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.

I miss him. I miss him so much. I missed him today. I missed him so much that it hurt. I was in pain because I wanted him, desired him, longed for him & needed him.

I love him. I love him so much. I think about him all the time.

I appreciate him. Is he the one? my brother asks. Yes, I believe he’s the one, I say back. I do believe. I do. 

We lay on his bed, cuddle when he turns to me, looks in my eyes and whispers, I love you. I smile coyly and say, I love you too. We smile together and kiss. We laugh. We cuddle. We smooch. 

I’m worried about him. I’m worried about his health. I hope he doesn’t get too sick. I hope this job doesn’t drive him to the hospital. I hope he doesn’t have a heart attack.

I’m worried.

I’m just worried about him.

I thought I knew.

Move to NYC. Become a successful magazine writer. Walk the walk & talk the talk. Get married. Have kids. Earn so much money that I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

When the editorial assistant from GH magazine asked me, “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?” my immediate response was always, “A magazine writer.” I was sure. And, I was so sure that I knew exactly what I wanted, where I was going, what I was doing, who I was, what I’d become & where life would lead me. The point being– I was sure.

But, things change. Things go from bad to good. Good to bad. Happy to sad. Positive to negative. In one year, things in my life have altered A LOT.

Let’s step back and think about where Hope Marie Kumor was a year ago around this time. She was dating Matt, interning 3 days a week at Good Housekeeping Magazine, working the other 4  to pay for those NYC days, stressing about graduating, loving NYC, believing career came before anything, including her relationship.

I was so set on this life. To go back and really think about is absolutely nuts! My mindset was totally unrealistic. I was a child. I was so afraid to grow up. I was scared of my own shadow. I was petrified to fall in love and have someone care for me so much. Ugh. I didn’t want any of that, pushing it away to the dogs. I felt comfortable just focusing on my career instead. I stood by reminding myself that nothing else mattered. There was nothing more to life! Come on, what else was there to focus on? I was graduating and it was the worst time to have a boyfriend. He got in the way! I had to be focused and figure out what I truly wanted & needed. I didn’t need a guy stopping me from pursuing my dreams. I wasn’t really ready to fully let a guy in. I was so freekin scared. 

It’s almost a year since I graduated from Temple University and I miss it. Of course I do. I’ll always have the best moments from attending Temple. It taught me so much and gave me lots to take with me. I loved it. I loved heading down to the city. I loved taking classes and chatting with my friends.

Fast forward to now– Interning for Family Circle Magazine twice a week, earning $7.25 an hour, babysitting a few days a week and having LOADS of time in between–too much time actually. I never saw myself changing my mind. I never dreamed of possibly taking another job to just earn dough. I mean, if I took a job just to take it, I’m worried I’ll HATE life. I’ll HATE it. You best believe I’ll still be writing on the side though.

For me, WRITING WILL NEVER DIE. WRITING WILL ALWAYS BE ALIVE. WRITING IS MY PASSION. WRITING IS MY DREAM.

Sitting in the car today for a half an hour thinking, “should I keep pursuing my career and earning no money, continuously pushing my student loans away or should I take a job with higher pay, move out and pay off everything?” I swear, I sat in that car listening to “Misled” by Celine Dion, which was the song I’d blast while driving to the Hamilton Train Station. Oh, I remember those drives. I got sick a bunch of times because I wasn’t used to the NYC air and atmosphere. I developed rashes and didn’t get to work out as much. I had doubts about anything and everything. My relationship. My career. Graduating. Myself. Did I want NYC? Yes, with every bone in my body or so I thought. 

Later, I figured out how much money this dream was costing me. How much I disliked New York. How rude the people were. How dirty it was. Was it worth it? Was it worth all of the heartache? Is it worth $7.25 an hour? Where has it gotten me? Have I grown? Has it taught me anything?

Yes, its taught me stuff. I’ve gained more experience. I can add it to my resume. I can take this experience and run with it. I learned how to appreciate it. Not too many people got to travel to NYC working for a magazine. Do you know how many girls would KILL to be in my position? They’d literally stab me in my sleep. Despite the money, despite the frustration, despite my mood swings, despite being bored, I will never ever forget it! I will always remember my time at Family Circle Magazine.

My last day is Thursday, April 10th, 2014. Well, that’s unless I find something else before that.

Just when I thought everything was in line, life surprises me. It surprised me with an AMAZING guy who would do ANYTHING for me.

But, I remember Good Housekeeping like it was yesterday. I didn’t know much about the magazine industry and I didn’t know how to speak to the editors. I learned a ton from my EA. It was my first internship and I didn’t know a thing. I was naive and didn’t care to make connections. Oh, what did I know? I didn’t know a thing.

I thought I knew.