Things that make me feel HAPPY.

Things that make me feel HAPPY:

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1) Coffee

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2) A cup of tea in the morning or in the evening

3) Spending time with Brett

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4) Hanging Christmas lights with my dad

5) Listening to Christmas music

6) Working out

7) Writing

8) Reading magazines such as CosmopolitanSelfFitnessHealth

9) S-E-X. (shhhhh)

10) Talking about life

11) Traveling

12) Beautiful scenery

13) Cooking/Baking healthy recipes

14) Volunteering for organizations

15) Attending events for Small Chick Big Deals and writing about them

16) Listening to music

17) Cuddling next to Brett

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18) Spending time with my family

19) Enjoying the simple pleasure life has to offer such as enjoying a home-cooked meal surrounded by family, friends & Brett.

20) Sipping on some good ol’ wine with friends

21) Visiting New York City!

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Today, I’ve decided to take the time and write all of the things in life that make me smile. Most of the time, I feel frustrated/unhappy with my life, but I wanted to switch it up a bit today. I know I should stop being so negative since other people have it 10 times worse than myself, but I cannot help it sometimes.

Therefore, I’m reflecting on all the good things happening in my life at the moment. How many people can say that have supportive parents, great friends and an AWESOME boyfriend who would literally do ANYTHING for them? Not too many. I should stop thinking of the bad so much and focus more on the good.

I’m going to try to and I believe YOU should as well! Take the time to list all the things that make YOU happy in life and send me the list. I’d love to hear from you! Email me at hopeandlove89@gmail.com.

Happy Writing! XOXO

I just hope one day I can be a STRONG & INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO STICKS UP FOR HERSELF.

I need to realize this: Some people have it wayyyy worse than myself.

I mean, I have loving parents, boyfriend & friends! Those three components make a whole load of difference when you’re going through a rough patch. If I was on my own, I’m not sure if I could make it, I tend to rely on others more than myself. Specifically, at times. I allow others to make decisions for me. How horrible does that sound? It’s the truth though! Therefore, I must start becoming stronger, relying on myself and becoming more independent. Yes, I have any awesome boyfriend, but what the hell do I do when he’s not around? I cannot depend on him for everything. Sure, he’s VERY-VERY-VERY important, but I must learn to think on my own.

Sigh.

So, my bestie & I went to a local cafe this evening and she disclosed rather unsettling news. Her boyfriend, whom I’ve met and really like, doesn’t seem to want to grow up and be a man. She’s at the exact same place in her life, career-wise, so this relationship makes it a bit worse. Now, I listened to her tell the story about her man. Can I tell you something? I felt sad. Literally. I felt so fucking depressed. I believe I was feeling her pain & agony. She stayed up in this area for him, to make HIM happy and he has stepped up and showed he’s a man. Brett? I’ve been having car issues and it might cost between $500-$800 and I so cannot afford that. Later on, Brett says to me, “You know I’m going to end up paying for your car, right? It’s just the kind of guy I am.” My bestie turns to me and says, “That’s a man.”

As of right now, she’s debating whether to continue their nearly year and a half relationship or end it for good. I was so upset to hear her say that. However, at the same time, she deserves better. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw —I until quote this particular line— ‘I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.’  When I read this quote to her, she agreed with me. I know exactly what she wants, how she feels and I am right there with her. I’m right there by her side cheering her on. I know this will not be an easy and simple decision, but she MUST do what’s best for her.

At the same time, I feel like dirt talking about my wonderful relationship. Whenever one of my besties vents about  their guy situation and then turns to ask me I always feel crappy saying how phenomenally well it’s going between Brett & I. I try to be brief, but it can be difficult when things are going so well.

Anywho, we started talking about INDEPENDENCE. That’s why I began the entry with being more so dependent on Hope Kumor. Sure, I can be dependent on Brett in some ways, but not all accounts. At this time, I’m going through so much: Trying to find myself, career, have an excellent relationship, spending time with family and friends while doing what I love. It’s not easy juggling several things at once.

Up-Down-Left-Right: Me, my career & my decisions! Ugh. I just hope one day I can be a STRONG. INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO STICKS UP FOR HERSELF.

It’s time to start somewhere.

I must feel more confident!

Let’s talk about Confidence.

To you, what is the definition of confidence? Is it being comfortable in your own skin? Is it constantly telling yourself you’re good enough, you’re worth it, you’re pretty enough? To me, confidence is about being about to walk into a room and not give two shits what anyone says or perceives you. You walk around with your head held high while others shoot you down. Literally, nothing can bring you down and no matter what anyone says, thinks of does, it will NEVER bring you down. Literally.

Brett & I have this conversation all. the time. Hope, you must start feeling more confident with yourself. He can tell me over & over how pretty, beautiful, etc I am, but still, there’s a blockage.

You would be surprised to hear this actually, even the thinnest girl isn’t the most confident. So, I’m on the thin side and believe to be attractive. However, even at a size 3, I still feel pounchy. You’d be shocked at the things that circle around my brain. So… I’m thin, what does that have to do with confidence? I know thin is in, but the thinnest, fittest person in the world may pretend to display confidence, meanwhile, they’re dying inside.

Let me tell you something– I’ve dealt with lacking confidence my entire life. From when I was young until now, I’ve struggled to find myself appealing. That was until Brett came along and kept showing me and reminding me how attractive and pretty I am. I’ve had hidden behind it because I didn’t want to be known as a slut. But, how would I be a slut if I occasionally wear those clothes? I need to stop overanalyzing situations so much, stop bringing myself down & stop telling myself that I MUST improve in X,Y & Z. It will drive me crazy & nuts.

If Brett sees it and I’m often reminded of my apperance on a daily basis, why don’t I believe it? Well, it’s time. Enough with the bullshit, on all accounts. Enough is enough. It’s always the same damn thing over & over & over. JUST STOP.

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(Displaying Confidence on the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine!)

 

My Millennial Life: DOCUMENTARY I WAS CHOSEN FOR

I had a very eventful weekend. It was filled with twists, turns & surprises on every single corner. I learned a lot about myself this weekend and talked the most I have in months, maybe years. I become closer with my parents and enjoyed myself.

In February, Nicole Rogers contacted me via Twitter after I wrote up I Just Want A Full-Time Job on Buster & Ellie. She mentioned me in her tweet saying, “Hi, I loved this post and would like to speak to Hope about a TV doc re millennials. Can you plez let her know?” Allie, my editor-in-chief, let me know and I sent Nicole a DM and then set-up a Skype date. We chatted via Skype about my job search, living situation, boyfriend and where the hell I was going in my life. She liked me so much that she forwarded me along to her Director, Maureen. Maureen and I chatted via Skype because she lived in Canada. Over the next few months, we’d Skype from time-to-time and I was asked to produce video diaries. I did everything asked of me.

Honestly, I didn’t think much of it. I’d do a video diary once in a while explaining what was going on in my life, whether it was good or bad. Most of it was bad though. I was uncertain about my job & life in general. I always thought ahead, but it never mattered because nothing could have prepared me for the life I’m living. NOT liking my job, living situation or knowing exactly who I am. I’m sad, disgusting & gross. To not know who you are at 25 is ABSOLUTELY scary & frightening. We’re all in the same position, 20-somethings. 

At the beginning of October, Maureen & I spoke again and she told me she was interested in coming to PA. She pitched October 31st-November 2nd. I couldn’t believe it though. I did not think she would actually come. I sort of pushed it to the back of my mind and didn’t re-live it until she asked if I could get permission from Brett & my family to film at our house and them. So, I talked it over with everyone, but they didn’t get it. They never understood, but did say YES. It’s a documentary called My Millennial Life.

The description reads: This project will look at a few individuals as they live their lives and look to their futures while they navigate entering the workforce during a time in which the employment landscape can be very uncertain. The documentary will explore the attitudes, relationships, dreams, obstacles and difficulties of the millennial generation.

Okay! I spoke with my work as well because they were filming there as well. A cameraman, sound guy, Maureen & her co-pilot, Andrew would arrive on Friday, OCTOBER 31ST around 4:30 and film me for an hour, head to my house to film family dinner and chat with my family in general. Saturday– we’d go to Village of Pennbrook apartment, Starbucks, speak with Brett and have a conversation with my parents about me possibly living with Brett. Sunday– an intense interview with me & only me then head to NYC before they head back to Ontario, Canada. It was set. I was stoked, thrilled & excited about it.

They arrived this past Friday and I could not wait. I was to be filmed and I was a bit nervous. I made my phone calls at work & did what I had to while they filmed me. I felt strange being on camera, but by Sunday, I was used to having a camera in my face.

Set

(FRIDAY: This was the first day of filming)

I was being followed and was not used to having a camera around while I spoke about my hopes, dreams, wishes, fears, etc. Well, that was the first day atleast. On Saturday, I was more used to it. I loved it. It was tiring and exhausting. I had to constantly talk about my life. I do not like the place I’m at as of right now and constantly talking about it made me sad, but I knew I wanted to do this documentary and I don’t regret one second of it. I worked with an amazing group and they are coming back to film me more than once.

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(THE CREW: Left to Right– ANDREW; JEREMY; ME; DANIEL; MAUREEN)

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My crew consisted of Daniel (cameraman)- Jeremy (sound)- Andrew (Production coordinator)- Maureen (director).

I’d tell you one of the most disheartening events that took place this weekend was going to the apartment. Brett’s job is on the rocks and unfortunately, we must go this week and get our deposit back. Will I be able to handle that? I’ll get back to you on that one!

Yesterday, it was rainy, cold and wet and we headed to our apartment. We were able to take a tour inside as well. K. Can I tell you know sad I was?  I had to walk around this almost-apartment we would have had if him & I had stable jobs. We don’t. He’s not anymore stable than I am. I’m lost, uncertain & absolutely depressed. I spoke more & more about my situation. Maureen turns to me and asks, so how do you feel? Nope, I wasn’t going to lie or sugarcoat it. Instead, I divulged how I truly felt. Disappointed. Utterly & Extremely Disappointed. Brett keeps telling me not to dwell on it and is being very much positive about it (surprise surprise actually!)

 I want Brett. I need Brett. I don’t want to wait any longer. I just want to be with him. I’m so sick & tired of waiting. I’m just so fucking tired of it. I’m tired of waiting to find a job. I want to live with Brett. I just want to. Is that so much to ask for? Come on.

Brett came over yesterday and he was MIC-ed & asked plenty of questions. On Friday, I was MIC-ed for the first time and I felt special. My mom was MIC-ed as well and later on, my dad.

Then, my parents & I had a conversation about me possibly moving in with Brett & his parents. My mom & dad don’t agree because they don’t think it makes sense moving into another house. I get that. I respect their opinion and take it into consideration, but ultimately, it’s up to me and we spoke about this on camera. Part of me wants to, but the other doesn’t. Firstly, we’d be buying our own groceries, doing our own laundry and making our own dinner. We were set to live out on our own anyway. This is practice before we officially move out. We’re half-moved out. I want to do it though.

Anyway, NYC was so freekin awesome though! We went to the Hearst Tower to check out where my Good Housekeeping internship was January 2013! Um. It all came back to me. The train ride. The walk. The subway. The buildings. Everything. I felt it. I smelled it. I heard it. It was also snowing too, which was so freekin awesome!

Then, we got lunch at the Brooklyn Diner near the Hearst Tower. It was yummy. Jeremy, Daniel, Maureen & I all ate our lunch, but had to rush a bit because we wanted to go on the Double Decker bus to take some overhead shots.

This weekend was THE MOST I’ve talked in a very, very long time. We looked through my diaries & clothes. We spoke about ALL the emotions and thoughts going through my mind. People wanted to be filmed along with me. Others jumped in the shot in NYC & Starbucks. In a few months, when they come back, we’re visiting Temple! I’m so stoked, excited & thrilled for them to come back!

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(Gotta end it with a #Selfie)

SEE YOU ALL SOOOON!

XOXOXO