I need to realize this: Some people have it wayyyy worse than myself.
I mean, I have loving parents, boyfriend & friends! Those three components make a whole load of difference when you’re going through a rough patch. If I was on my own, I’m not sure if I could make it, I tend to rely on others more than myself. Specifically, at times. I allow others to make decisions for me. How horrible does that sound? It’s the truth though! Therefore, I must start becoming stronger, relying on myself and becoming more independent. Yes, I have any awesome boyfriend, but what the hell do I do when he’s not around? I cannot depend on him for everything. Sure, he’s VERY-VERY-VERY important, but I must learn to think on my own.
So, my bestie & I went to a local cafe this evening and she disclosed rather unsettling news. Her boyfriend, whom I’ve met and really like, doesn’t seem to want to grow up and be a man. She’s at the exact same place in her life, career-wise, so this relationship makes it a bit worse. Now, I listened to her tell the story about her man. Can I tell you something? I felt sad. Literally. I felt so fucking depressed. I believe I was feeling her pain & agony. She stayed up in this area for him, to make HIM happy and he has stepped up and showed he’s a man. Brett? I’ve been having car issues and it might cost between $500-$800 and I so cannot afford that. Later on, Brett says to me, “You know I’m going to end up paying for your car, right? It’s just the kind of guy I am.” My bestie turns to me and says, “That’s a man.”
As of right now, she’s debating whether to continue their nearly year and a half relationship or end it for good. I was so upset to hear her say that. However, at the same time, she deserves better. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw —I until quote this particular line— ‘I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.’ When I read this quote to her, she agreed with me. I know exactly what she wants, how she feels and I am right there with her. I’m right there by her side cheering her on. I know this will not be an easy and simple decision, but she MUST do what’s best for her.
At the same time, I feel like dirt talking about my wonderful relationship. Whenever one of my besties vents about their guy situation and then turns to ask me I always feel crappy saying how phenomenally well it’s going between Brett & I. I try to be brief, but it can be difficult when things are going so well.
Anywho, we started talking about INDEPENDENCE. That’s why I began the entry with being more so dependent on Hope Kumor. Sure, I can be dependent on Brett in some ways, but not all accounts. At this time, I’m going through so much: Trying to find myself, career, have an excellent relationship, spending time with family and friends while doing what I love. It’s not easy juggling several things at once.
Up-Down-Left-Right: Me, my career & my decisions! Ugh. I just hope one day I can be a STRONG. INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO STICKS UP FOR HERSELF.
It’s time to start somewhere.