What’s your take?

So, you go to school for 4 years to major in a particular subject that you choose as your career. You work your ass off, stay up late every night, try not to party too hard, keep your head in the game and just be social.    BUT…….

What happens if after 4 years of schooling, you no longer want to say be an English teacher?

I started my college career going to a local community college for 3 years. Then, once I received my Associates degree, I decided to attend a University to receive a Bachelor’s degree. At the end of my college days, I left with an Associates in Journalism and a Bachelors in English.  You would think with two degrees under my belt, I would have found a “career.”  No, this isn’t about me not being able to locate a job using my degree. It’s more so for those who find out they no longer want a job in what they pursued in college for years. 

Wasting tons of money and realizing you actually hate that career is absolutely devastating. 

One of my besties went to school to become a teacher. She took all the classes and took the teaching exam, but then, figured out she no longer had a passion for teaching. It’s so frightening to be so sure about your life and then one day, you wake up and want something different.  It makes you feel so lost and empty inside. It will eat at you until you find something you love. Will you ever find the “perfect career?” I don’t think so. I believe you’ll find a good job, but it won’t be “perfect.” Something will always make it shitty such as crappy co-workers, mean boss, dirty atmosphere, or tasks you hate doing.

At this point in my life, I’m just hoping to find something I enjoy. I desire to find a career in health & fitness. That’s been my passion for years now. Writing will always be number one, but health & fitness isn’t far behind.

So, essentially, I’m just hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

What’s your take? 

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Priorities.

Priorities.

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That is what’s been on my mind lately. Are all my priorities in check? Do I concentrate too much on one thing and not enough on another? 

I have a busy schedule. Well, at least I think I do. I know other people have tons more on their plate, but in my opinion, I never really have a sec to sit down and think. I’m always doing something. But, this “something” that I’m doing isn’t really fulfilling. Rather, it’s because I have to do it.

I work a FT job, work-out, as well as squeeze in time to write and read. No, that sure as hell does not sound like “busy schedule.” But, the thing is, it’s the commute that eats up my time. I have a 35-minute commute to work. I leave the house around 8:20 and arrive around 9:00 am. I work until 5:30. It generally takes about 45 minutes to get home.

Once I get to my boyfriend’s hub– this is when he’s off– we eat dinner together, I pack my lunch, we head to the gym to workout, then come home and take a shower. By this time, it’s about 9:30 and we get a limited amount of time to relax. This is when I usually take some time to write. Generally, I don’t spend enough time resting and relaxing. This is an issue because 2 weeks ago, I became severely sick and was unable to go to work.

When he’s working, it’s a different story.

When this occurs, we wake up at 5:30, leave his house by 6:20. I then drop him off and head to my parents to get some shut-eye. Around 8:10, I wake up and eat some breakfast. From 9-530, I work. Around 5:30, I either head to my parents to chill or head to my local gym to workout from 6-6:50. My boyfriend is done at 7, so I pick him up.

It usually takes about 40 minutes to get home. Dinner isn’t until 8:00-8:15. After that, our lunches must be made and then we must have some time to chill.   But, do you see the difference?

The boyfriend asked me if I have my priorities set in the correct order.

Sure!

I mean, I believe I do. I’m still in the process of learning about adulthood. I must begin to take on more responsibility and speak up when the time is right. I mustn’t be timid, shy or afraid of anybody because they’re humans- just like myself. But, I still get apprehensive. I must work on getting over my fears and stepping out of my comfort zone.

2015 is the year to learn, grow and stop being scared of my shadow. It’s time to blossom and bloom and correct my mistakes. I must move forward instead of moving backward. I’m going to work on it and I’m going to work long and hard.

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Battling Body Image – When Enough is Enough

So, I wrote an article about body image and it was published on Allyn Lewis! I’m going to paste it for you. Let me know your thoughts on how I view myself.

Battling Body Image – When Enough is Enough:

How I Battled Body Image

The fact is: Almost every woman struggles with body image. No one is immune to body image issues – even the very skinny or petite. Whether you’re a size 2 or size 16, we all feel self-conscious and often we take drastic measures to match what we believe our bodies should look like in our minds, instead of in reality.

I am a prime example. As a child, I was very skinny. My mom always wanted me to consume more food because I looked like a twig and she was worried about my health. Once I entered middle school, I became heavier and my body changed and morphed into a different shape. To combat the change, I started wearing baggie and more comfortable clothing. I wasn’t sloppy, but I also wasn’t concerned about wearing the fashions that were considered, “in” during the early 2000’s.

“Suddenly, I felt defined by the number; everything became about the size on my clothing.”

At some point during high school, I realized I was a size 14. At one point, I was 5’4 and about 135 pounds. Suddenly, I felt defined by the number; everything became about the size on my clothing. I knew I had to change something, so once my senior year arrived, I began losing weight. Instead of consuming Doritos and chips all the time at night, I took that privilege away from myself and replaced it with fruits or veggies. There were some nights that I refused to give into my hunger and chose to head to bed hungry.

Through working out, eating less and obsessing about my weight, I became a size 3. At that point, my mother told me I was too thin and wanted me to gain more weight- but I wasn’t ready! I felt much more confident than I ever had. Working out propelled me to go from a size 14 to a size 3. Losing that much weight made me feel confident – sometimes. But, I still feared looking at myself naked. To my brain, I was still very, very, heavy. Everyone around me complimented me on my appearance and I soaked it in. I felt on a high whenever compliments came my way, but once they were gone, I continued giving my body negative attention. I remember saying things such as, “you can’t eat that or you’ll gain weight” and,“stop eating so freaking much, fatty.”

One day when my best girlfriend and I were hanging out, she told me I had some sort of eating disorder. I wasn’t able to accept and be happy with my new body no matter what I did. I began to wonder if she was right.

She’d say how jealous she was of my flat stomach and I’d smile and thank her. Later on, I’d look at myself hard and judgmental and roll my eyes. I’ve never felt happy or satisfied with myself in my whole life. From being too skinny and my mother remarking I needed to eat more to tipping the scales at 14, I realize my entire life has been a battle with food, and I’m retraining my mind to accept myself as I am.

“We’re all dealing with something whether you’d believe it or not.”

I’ve learned that no matter what you look like, there’s always someone struggling with the same thing. I can almost guarantee that celebrities often hate their body on a daily basis. This makes me feel better because then I don’t feel so alone in this world. We’re all dealing with something whether you’d believe it or not. It’s the question of how we’re coping with our demon. Is it hands-on or are we hiding behind a wall?

I’m no longer hiding because I’ve struggled with body image my entire life and I know it will never end. No matter how much I workout or eat healthy, I never feel satisfied with my body. How horrible and terrible does that sound though? We’re only given one body, so we should treat it with care and stop being so hard on it.

Instead of constantly bashing my body, I’m going to start embracing it. This morning, I looked in the mirror and felt happy with how I looked. My body is perfectly, imperfect.

The sooner I accept my body will never be exactly how I’d like it to be, the faster I’ll be accepting of myself.

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Time To Reflect.

So, I deem it time to step back and reflect on my life thus far. Before you begin freaking out, I’m not going down the negative route that I’m accustomed to. Instead, I’m simply going to address some of my biggest ideas and get to the root of them.

Why does it take so much for me to feel satisfied? Let’s see here: I figured it was my job. Since the position doesn’t give me the satisfaction I desire, I’m unhappy with my life as well as myself. But, I must begin to focus on the things that do make me happy. So, just to name a few: hanging with my boyfriend, family & friends, writing, reading a good magazine, learning new facts pertaining to health & fitness and working out. If I focus on things such as how I’m not exactly where I’m at job-wise then I’ll continue feeling like nothing is enough.

Why can’t I stick up for myself?  Do I think I’m worth standing up for? I’d rather avoid confrontation because I don’t need anymore drama in my life. However, at some point, enough is enough and I must quit thinking about the negative effects of standing by what I say will do. Maybe I fear that I’m wrong and don’t want others to point it out? I’m just trying to think from all angles. My conclusion is being afraid of the outcome.

Why don’t I believe in myself? So, I asked my boyfriend last night if he believed in me. PAUSE. He knows I fear defending myself. And, he simply thinks I’m afraid of my own shadow, which I cannot deny.

But, then, I stopped. I looked in the mirror and truly asked myself whether I believe in me or not because guess what? At the end of the day, the only person who matters is me. I’m the one who can change that; not my boyfriend, friends, family, co-workers, just me. 

My bestie & I went to a local cafe and gabbed for about 3 hours. She wanted to know exactly what was happening in my life. So, I told her the truth. She thinks I dramatize my living situation and I honestly couldn’t agree more. My belief is that I make the situation worse than it actually is because I’m a bit bored? Sure, it does sound pretty pathetic, but I believe it to be true.

I have tons of issues I must work on this year and I know it. I must grow, mature and blossom into an adult. Saying that statement at 25 years old is purely sad, but I’m owning up to it and willing to fix and work-on my problems,  I must deal with them head-on and stop hiding in a corner waiting for others to do it for me.

So, the first issue I must work on: Stop fearing others will tire of me. I have this fear that if people see me too much, they will get tired of seeing me. Yup. I cannot even peg where this notion came from. My mind is purely evil and creates these situations to make me crazy. I don’t recall being this way before.

I began to think like this when my boyfriend & I began dating. I always dodged his parents if I saw them more than 3 times so they wouldn’t get tired of having me around. But, it’s not just my boyfriend, it’s actually spread onto my family as well. There have been times I’ve asked my mother if I’m around her too much and she continues to say how nuts I am.

Additionally, I often think negative thoughts about my body. I have a decent figure, but yet, I degrade it more times than I can count. My boyfriend compliments me, but I never compliment myself. I bash my figure and roll my eyes, which is ludacris!

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(Like, fuck, just look at me.)

No, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not asking for your sympathy. Instead, I’m putting my issues out there and then dealing with them.. Rather, I’m admitting to my issues. Today is the day!

I must begin working on myself, my body and stop listening so much to my mind. I’m going to unplug it and stop it from constantly bashing myself.

 

 

Will I ever find what I’m searching for?

A Thursday: Thursday January 22nd, 2015 to be exact.

This month is almost over and I have yet to accomplish something. Well, actually, I retract that statement. I feel more positive about my living situation.  I’m more so comfortable than I was in the last month. It will be 2 months on January 27th that I’ve moved in with the boyfriend.

Time flies by so quickly. Have you accomplished your goals this month? How do you feel so far this year? Maybe you have a new job or new outlook on life?  Either way, I’d so love to chat with you about your new-found life! (Email me: hopeandlove89@gmail.com)

Any who, I’m in the process of looking for new opportunities in life. I want to start over and create a new beginning for myself. Of course I’m bringing the boyfriend along for the ride. No, I’m not making him come, he’d rather stick by my side because he believes I’m “the one.”

In fact, last night, we were discussing our lives and he turned to me and said, “I’m going to marry you one day.” I feel the same way about him, but I just love to hear it vocally. I know he loves me dearly, but I just like to be reminded.

Anyway, I’m searching for something and I haven’t quite located it at this moment in time. I really hope I find what I’m looking for in the next few months.

Will I ever find what I’m searching for?

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To site a particular song I enjoy: “But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”

U2 – I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For Lyrics | MetroLyrics

What Am I Truly Good At?

I’m a thinker, a die-hard, hardcore, cannot-stop, thinker who thinks about everything under the sun and more. That’s how I’ve always been and I believe that’s how I’ll always be.

Yesterday, during work, I thought about what I’m truly good at and as sad as it sounds, I couldn’t come up with anything. Sure, I’m a decent writer, but there’s always room for improvement.

The other day, I asked a friend of mine to look over an article I’d like to submit to HelloGiggles on body image. When she emailed me the article back, I was embarrassed.  Most of it was in RED. There were too many edits to count. That really brought me down because what the hell did I go to school for 3 years for? To have extreme edits done to my articles?

She told me the following, “That red is going to make you become a BETTER writer.”

“The red says, “I’m learning.” Don’t you ever give up.”

 “When I started, I swear to god- EVERYTHING was red. I would beat myself up. That’s not allowed.”

And, this, “I think you are a good writer simply because you want to tell the world your story.”

I was chatting with the boyfriend last night telling him about this conversation. I simply said, “And, I couldn’t list the things I’m truly good at.” Like, what the hell am I good at?

Well, I did note Journalism. I know how to interview people, which questions to ask and how to write-up a good ol’ fashioned article afterward. So, maybe that’s what I’m good at. But, I must say that it truly hurts questioning your worth. It hurts feeling as if you have no skills whatsoever when you’ve gone to school for 6 years! I’m sure I’m good at other things, but I just can’t think of them. How sad.

I think I’d like to venture back into the magazine industry. I’d love to be engrossed in fashion, beauty, health & fitness and I feel important once again. I truly feel like crud. That doesn’t sound so optimistic in my book.

Therefore,  I must change it instead of what I used to do: Complain. I’d complain until the crows came out and I wanted everyone to feel sorry and pity me. Nope, I can no longer do that because guess what, you don’t feel sorry for me, instead you plainly think I’m pathetic.

So, let’s re-think and re-evaluate my situation. Let’s breath in and out and come back. I must focus more on writing and reading. It’s difficult to work a FT job and commit to both, but I must do what I have to do.

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MAGAZINES. MAGAZINES. MAGAZINES.

Always Believe You Can!

If I had time to do what I truly desire to do, I believe I would have written a novel by now. I haven’t a clue as to what it would be called, but I know it would be great.

In general, I must have more confidence in myself as well as my writing.

I went to school for about 6 years. Well, first it was a Community College and then a University, so I should know a thing or two about writing.

The thing is, my high school sort of messed me up. It never taught me how to formulate a proper sentence. And, no, I’m not going to sit here and completely lay the blame on my HS because I could have set aside time and learn more about my passion. It’s partially my fault and I accept responsibility.

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This year, I plan on relying more so on myself instead of others. I must become an adult and accept more responsibilities and defend myself for Pete sake. Maybe in a way, I don’t believe I’m worth defending, which sound absolutely pathetic, don’t ya think? I AM WORTH IT. I must begin asking myself what truly makes me happy and then go after it.

I’m never one to settle. I’m so sorry to those who are too afraid to go after their dreams. You should never be scared to take chances. So, you fail. Okay, it will teach you something!

I am 25 years old and I have a lot to learn. I will grow as a person as well as a writer. I want to better myself in all avenues. I want to inspire others to live their dream and not just sit back and imagine them.

Go after what you believe it and ALWAYS ALWAYS believe you can do it!

XOXO

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Maybe That’s The Point.

Maybe that’s the point. 

I’ve been going through SO MUCH between my car troubles and feeling so ill that I’m unable to go to work. These two situations have consumed my entire life lately. I haven’t been able to attend work all week because I’ve had an ongoing sickness and my car has needed repairs, which has drained my bank account.

But, it was supposed to show me something though and I understand it.

It was meant to teach me to appreciate others around me and stop taking everyone for granted. I mean, damn, 2015 has been horrible thus far. But, maybe that was the point.

In the past few weeks, I have truly learned that my parents, boyfriend and his folks would support me no matter what. My parents were there to care for me when I needed them along with my boyfriend, who was very patient, kind and sweet to me as well as his folks, who kept checking on me to see if I needed anything while I was sick.

Going through this shit was a test and I passed because I am much more appreciative than I’ve ever been. Trust me. I’ve learned so much the past month and a half and I would not take it back for anything.

Thanks so much to all those who care and support me through thick & thin. XOXO.

In 2014.

In 2014, I was sad, depressed and maybe a bit bitter. I was so down about my situation that I went to hardcore extremes to publicize it. Maybe I wanted others to feel sorry for me. Regardless, it’s a NEW YEAR and I’m getting rid of the negativity and instead, I’m going to start thinking positively.

So much has been going on lately and it’s really opened my eyes about how supportive my family and boyfriend truly are. They would do anything for me and I must start appreciating them before it’s too late. I’m done taking others for granted. I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I’m done thinking so negativity. I’m done thinking I’m in a pathetic situation, when really I should feel super lucky.

I mean, it is what it is. So many college grads are in the same boat as myself, but do you see them complaining about it? Nope! Instead, they’re working their asses off and hustling to make that dough!. I know you must feel frustrated at times and need to vent, but you chat with friends or family or your significant other. That’s how we feel better, by talking about it.

When I feel down, I tend to write about it. BUT, I should do so in private, not all over social media. It’s time to right my wrongs! Therefore, my posts will now be about good things such as happy events, trips, adventures and meals I cook! Positive vibes. It WON’T be about my funds or how sad I’m feeling or about my boyfriend.

It’s time to start 2015 off right!

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