So, I deem it time to step back and reflect on my life thus far. Before you begin freaking out, I’m not going down the negative route that I’m accustomed to. Instead, I’m simply going to address some of my biggest ideas and get to the root of them.
Why does it take so much for me to feel satisfied? Let’s see here: I figured it was my job. Since the position doesn’t give me the satisfaction I desire, I’m unhappy with my life as well as myself. But, I must begin to focus on the things that do make me happy. So, just to name a few: hanging with my boyfriend, family & friends, writing, reading a good magazine, learning new facts pertaining to health & fitness and working out. If I focus on things such as how I’m not exactly where I’m at job-wise then I’ll continue feeling like nothing is enough.
Why can’t I stick up for myself? Do I think I’m worth standing up for? I’d rather avoid confrontation because I don’t need anymore drama in my life. However, at some point, enough is enough and I must quit thinking about the negative effects of standing by what I say will do. Maybe I fear that I’m wrong and don’t want others to point it out? I’m just trying to think from all angles. My conclusion is being afraid of the outcome.
Why don’t I believe in myself? So, I asked my boyfriend last night if he believed in me. PAUSE. He knows I fear defending myself. And, he simply thinks I’m afraid of my own shadow, which I cannot deny.
But, then, I stopped. I looked in the mirror and truly asked myself whether I believe in me or not because guess what? At the end of the day, the only person who matters is me. I’m the one who can change that; not my boyfriend, friends, family, co-workers, just me.
My bestie & I went to a local cafe and gabbed for about 3 hours. She wanted to know exactly what was happening in my life. So, I told her the truth. She thinks I dramatize my living situation and I honestly couldn’t agree more. My belief is that I make the situation worse than it actually is because I’m a bit bored? Sure, it does sound pretty pathetic, but I believe it to be true.
I have tons of issues I must work on this year and I know it. I must grow, mature and blossom into an adult. Saying that statement at 25 years old is purely sad, but I’m owning up to it and willing to fix and work-on my problems, I must deal with them head-on and stop hiding in a corner waiting for others to do it for me.
So, the first issue I must work on: Stop fearing others will tire of me. I have this fear that if people see me too much, they will get tired of seeing me. Yup. I cannot even peg where this notion came from. My mind is purely evil and creates these situations to make me crazy. I don’t recall being this way before.
I began to think like this when my boyfriend & I began dating. I always dodged his parents if I saw them more than 3 times so they wouldn’t get tired of having me around. But, it’s not just my boyfriend, it’s actually spread onto my family as well. There have been times I’ve asked my mother if I’m around her too much and she continues to say how nuts I am.
Additionally, I often think negative thoughts about my body. I have a decent figure, but yet, I degrade it more times than I can count. My boyfriend compliments me, but I never compliment myself. I bash my figure and roll my eyes, which is ludacris!
(Like, fuck, just look at me.)
No, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not asking for your sympathy. Instead, I’m putting my issues out there and then dealing with them.. Rather, I’m admitting to my issues. Today is the day!
I must begin working on myself, my body and stop listening so much to my mind. I’m going to unplug it and stop it from constantly bashing myself.