Living Away From Home for the First Time

For never having lived away from home, my boyfriend and I are doing quite well. We cook our own dinner, shop for groceries, pay our bills, both have full-time jobs and can still go out and have fun from time-to-time. We both have busy schedules not leaving us time for a lot to do, but it wasn’t always like that.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and a half and it wasn’t until we’d hit the year mark that I was asked to live with him and his parents. The original plan was to move into an apartment together, but when we found out his job and mine wasn’t secure, we couldn’t go through with it. So, if I really wanted to live with him, the only option he could provide was to live with him and his folks. I thought about it for a long time because it wasn’t an easy decision.

I mean, I was living at my house, which was 5 minutes from my work, so if I moved to his, it would take me 35 instead. Also, I would have to spend some extra money on groceries while he gave his parents rent. I wanted to move out, but I was rather frustrated that it couldn’t be in an apartment. Regardless, I made the decision and it would exceptionally well. We got to know more about each other and we rarely saw his parents, so things worked out for the best.

I lived with them for 4 months until my boyfriend was presented with a job opportunity in Tennessee. He had 3 interviews before they told him he obtained the job. And, since I was miserable and frustrated that I wasn’t able to find a job in our area, I went with him.

The beginning was rough for me simply because I’ve never lived away from home. I spent the first week yearning for my parents and wanting to be surrounded by familiar faces. My parents texted me every single day to check on me and I often missed them and thought about going back, but I didn’t. I knew I could do it and finally be out of my own. After about 2 months, I finally settled and felt fine. I mean, sure I miss them, but I don’t feel as depressed as I felt when I first arrived.

Via Huffington Post

The Topic of Money

Money has always been an awkward topic I choose not to talk about. The reason could be because I never really had money. I grew up in a middle class family and money was tight at times. We could never just got out and splurge on whatever we chose. I mean, as a kid, I went on plenty of vacations and I know for a fact we weren’t poor, but money was always a sore subject for me.

And, then, during college, since I only had a part-time job, I wasn’t sure to spend too much because well, most of it went toward books and school supplies. I was never able to just randomly go out and get my nails or hair done, spend mounds of dough on clothes or shoes or do anything of that sort. It always had to be saved and went straight into my bank account. I yearned to have a real life where I didn’t have to worry about it, but that didn’t happen.

My first full-time job was a measly amount and still, I wasn’t able to move out, go out or have fun. Sometimes when my friends asked to hang out or go out to eat, I had to make an excuse because I was too embarrassed to admit that I simply couldn’t afford it.

When it came for asking for a higher pay, I always felt quite awkward and avoided the subject at all costs. I never talked about money, yet it was always in the back of my mind sitting and waiting to be brought up. Then, when I obtained another full-time job that was slightly higher, in the end it didn’t matter because I wasn’t able to enjoy myself.

Then, when my boyfriend was presented with a job in Tennessee, I went with him for a few reasons: I hoped to finally find a full-time job worth having, I’ve always wanted to move to Tennessee and I simply wanted to get away and live a new life. So, I went with him and within a week, I landed a full-time job. But, this job simply paid about the same as my first job and so, I complained to my boyfriend about money and he told me to keep looking for something. I felt absolutely frustrated because I seriously needed this money more than ever now that him and I lived in our own.

In terms of the full-time job, things didn’t work out, so I began freelancing and searching for a part-time job. I’ve always wanted to become a freelance writer and so I did. My boyfriend helped out here and there with money, but I truly knew I could not rely on him the rest of my life. It simply wasn’t fair and I knew it.

To my shock, three months after we moved to TN, I finally found a full-time job that I make decent money and I really enjoy. Regardless though, I think I’ll always be worried and paranoid when it comes to money. Since I’ve never really had it, I believe I’ll always feel like I need more and more.

Via Huffington Post

Feeling Lucky For Who I Am

I’ve always wanted to be one of the Kardashians.

I often dreamed of the fame, fortune and beauty until I realized how f***ed up their family is. Sure, they possess family values and are close, but all of them are out of sorts and not to mention, they lost their father at a young age. So, vision of someday “becoming a Kardashian” went away a few years back when I began to think about all the good things I have in life.

At this very moment, I have a wonderful and supportive family and boyfriend. I’m thankful for my friends who have kept in touch despite being so far away from them. Also, I have a gorgeous apartment, great job and loveable dog, so I would say; all in all, I should feel lucky.

When we first moved to another state, 800 + miles away from everything we ever knew, I was absolutely depressed and miserable. I wanted to go through with it, but I didn’t think I’d feel as sad as I did. I just wanted my family around me and hated feeling so far away. But, my boyfriend was there to remind me all the good aspects of my life and how I should appreciate who I am and what I have. After that, I began to really think all the things I did have instead of focus on everything that I didn’t have. I guess I just needed someone to remind me once again that I have a fabulous life. I mean, my life isn’t perfect by any means, but for the time being, I’m just going to be Hope Kumor.

I do wish some of my characteristics were a bit different like not being so damn quiet, shy and has a grasp as to confront someone and wasn’t so darn self-conscious. Overtime, these are things I can work on not being, so it will take serious time, effort dedication not to be these things because I’ve been this way for my whole life. If I just work on one trait at a time, maybe I’ll finally be the person I’ve always thrived to be!

Via Huffington Post

My Never Ending Battle With My Gut

“You used to be more defined.”

His words hurt like sharp razors digging into my heart. I had two options: either I shrugged it off and focused more on the chub on his stomach or dwell on it. The thing is, he didn’t say it rudely or condescendingly. He simply just said it and joked about the flab of fat on his stomach.

I’ve noticed that I have a little bit of fat on my stomach, but it’s not like it’s a ton and you can see it through my shirt. It’s a measly amount that if you look closely, you can notice. And, since he’s my boyfriend, of course he would be the first to notice. Since we both have full-time jobs, it can be hard at times to work-out. But, I’m more so the one to exercise regardless of how exhausted I am. And, if I’m unable to work-out because I have plans, I tend to find other ways to exercise like walking up and down my stairs or taking my dog for a walk. No matter what, I try to get some form of exercise. Additionally, I sit on an exercise ball at work so I tighten my abs without even working out.

When it comes to my body, you should never make comments–unless they’re positive. I seem to rip myself a new one when a loved one talks about my stomach, legs or thighs. I’m extremely self-conscious. I have gotten better with not dwelling so much on gaining a few pounds, but it still eats at me. I try to focus on eating better and firming up my stomach.

So, I leave myself with another two options: stop feeling so damn sorry for myself and do something about it or fall into a deep depression. I’ll take my chances with the first option!

Via Thought Catalog

Making Friends Isn’t Easy

Moving to another state where you know no one is often difficult. It’s even harder when you have no friends that you can confide in. Your real friends are 800 + miles away back at home and you must make new ones, which isn’t easy.

My boyfriend doesn’t care too much if he makes friends or not and for a little bit neither did I. I mean, time and time again people have let me down and haven’t come through for me, so why do I need friends to feel happy? I agreed with my boyfriend’s mentality of not caring so much. Well, that was until I really thought about it. Who would I turn to when my boyfriend didn’t want to go dancing? Who would I call when I wanted to have a “girl’s night?” What would I do when my boyfriend and I got into an argument? I would have nowhere to go and not a soul to talk to if this sort of thing occurs and I felt lonely.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my boyfriend and love hanging with him. He’s my best friend, but he cannot be all I have. He asks, “So, I’m not enough for you?” That’s not it at all. But at home, I had least 3-4 close friends I saw quite often, but now I don’t have any besides him. I don’t want to lose myself because before we moved here, I used to do more things on my own and that’s my fault. I’ve been too reliant on him and have lost my sense of independence. I have no one to blame besides myself. And, I’m not saying that it’s a horrible thing because your boyfriend should be your best friend as well as your lover and mine is, but is it a crime that I want friends?

It doesn’t bother him, but I want to hang out with girls and have girl talk. Truthfully, I miss my best friend, Jess too. Her and I would always go out dancing and have an enjoyable evening and I yearn for that. Now, she lives in Portland and has a few friends, but I’m over here looking pathetic calling out for friends.

Via Huffington Post

I’m an Attention Seeker Due to Middle Child Syndrome

I’m jealous of a dog.

There, I said it and I mean it. I know what you’re thinking too– you are one pathetic human being. When it comes to attention, it’s a constant need of mine. I must always be in the limelight or else I feel shitty.

In all started when I was a kid. I was the only girl and middle child. Without knowing it, my mother always paid attention to my younger brother more than myself. Even though she claimed she treated us equal, there was always something telling me otherwise. When I brought it to her attention, she’d simply said, “He’s the baby of the family, he needs me a bit more.” Maybe I was being a baby myself, but I really craved that attention and when I didn’t get it, I would act out.

That still happens to this day.

My boyfriend and I recently moved about 850 miles away from family and friends. The second week, I was an emotional wreck! I yearned for attention from my boyfriend, who was the only one around. As much attention as he gave me, it still wasn’t enough No matter what, I always required more.

So, when this idea of getting a dog came up, in the back of my mind, that was a concern. I know it shouldn’t have been because we wanted a dog to feel more settled and wanted to learn responsibility, but I kept thinking about my boyfriend being more attentive with that pooch than me. I tried to shake it off and just go with the flow, so I said, “sure.”

But, it happened.

Once that dog entered into our apartment, my boyfriend laid and cuddled with him while I made dinner. When I saw that, I immediately began jealous. It brought me back to when I was young and my mother attended to my brother’s every need. And, I hated the feeling of not being enough. I know it wasn’t that way and I know it’s dumb to be jealous of an animal, but I was! I tried to stay focused on making dinner, but it ate at me.

He wrestled with our new puppy and I was left flipping pancakes. I felt a need to leave the apartment because that way, I wouldn’t see their interaction. It hurt me more than you could ever imagine. This begged questions such as — why am I such an attention seeker? Why do I require so much attention?

I believed it to be “middle child syndrome.” According to Wisegeek.com, the effects of middle child syndrome are numerous. The child may feel as if he or she does not belong, given all the attention given to the oldest and youngest. The middle child may also feel as if he or she is loved less, have low self-esteem, and suffer from a lack of a sense of direction.

I mean, the difference is I have more drive than both my brothers combined, but most times, I do not feel as though I belong. Therefore, I chalk this one up as being “middle child syndrome.” In part, it’s my fault, but I do believe since my parents kept me in a bubble and always coddled us kids, I require someone’s full attention. And, when my emotional need isn’t met, I act out by making a situation more dramatic than it actually is. For instance, if I’m not feeling well, I overplay it and get more attention from my boyfriend. Maybe it has to do with maturity or whatever, but I hope one day I won’t need so much damn attention!

Via Huffington Post

Why Is It So Hard To Be Yourself?

You’ve seen in first-hand. When you meet someone for the first time, you truly aren’t “you?” You’re merely a version of yourself because you must see how the other person reacts to your personality. If they are more so calm, you’re more than likely to act the same way because you don’t want to scare them off. But, then, there are some people who do not care how the other judges them, if they’re crazy, they won’t be afraid to act themselves.

I can tell you that I’m a quiet and shy person by nature. I always have been and I always will be. I mean, sure I’ve come out of my shell since I was a child, but I cannot just open up once I’m introduced to them. It takes a while for me to get accustomed to them and start showing who I truly am. And, this isn’t always easy in a world where we’re judged the moment we walk into the door. Whether it’s a job interview, meeting a group of people or your boyfriend’s family for the first time, or simply strolling into Starbucks to order a coffee, someone is always forming an opinion about you. And, it’s horrible to be judged based on your appearance because more often than not, if the manager doesn’t find you appealing he won’t hire you. If he doesn’t like your personality, he’ll figuratively shout, “next!”

It’s becoming harder and harder to be yourself in this society because gay people are looked down upon, out of the ordinary people are labeled “strange” and “weird” and then there are stereotypes that people often follow. What happened to using your own mind and not following the rest of the crowd? Why can’t people just be themselves and not feel judged or ridiculed?

As for me, I’m quiet, so people often take advantage of me. Just because I don’t talk much doesn’t mean you can talk shit behind my back. If you don’t like how quiet I am, then don’t bother. This goes for everyone who doesn’t like you. If someone doesn’t like you based on your personality or appearance then don’t be friends with them. In the end, you’ll soon find out who your true friend are.

But, why is it so damn hard to be your “true self?”

Via Huffington Post

Don’t Chase Memories

Memories.

Whether they’re good or bad, we all have them. Unfortunately, there are those you prefer not to remember, but for the most part, your mind flocks to the better memories. This is true when you break up with someone. Instead of remembering the bad times, you tend to think of the fun moments you shared. Your mind plays tricks on you and seems as if it wants you to feel miserable thinking of the good rather than the bad. But, then, you must bring yourself back to life and remember why you broke up with them in the first place.

It took me such a long time to get over my last boyfriend that it carried over into my latest relationship. In the beginning, I was so scared because I missed my ex-boyfriend and didn’t want to get close to another guy, so I pushed him away. But, then, I reminded myself why it didn’t work in the first place and I was brought back to reality.

When I’m at work or doing something, I sometimes am reminded about certain events in my life. The memories start flooding in and I miss that moment in my life. It takes me a little bit to come back to my present life.

Since my boyfriend and I are over 800 miles away from both our families, thinking about the past has been a regular occurrence. It was worse in the beginning because all I’d think about were the memories I shared with my family and friends. I mean, sure we still have conversations and talk to them often, but things definitely aren’t like they used to be.

You’ll never lose those moments and crucial memories in your mind as much as I’d like to. Sometimes that’s a good thing and sometimes it’s a bad thing. So, there’s no use dwelling on the bad happenings in your life because it will do nothing other than bring you down. Instead, think of your present life since you’ll never be able to jump back in time and change anything. Don’t chase your memories, live in the present!

Via Huffington Post

Do You Love Truly Yourself?

Take a step back in front of the mirror and really look at yourself. Are you happy with your appearance? Do you favor your curves? Do you like your eyes, nose and mouth? What about your body? Do you like the way it looks in certain clothes? It’s easy to say: well, if you’re unhappy with yourself, just change it. Maybe you don’t have that capability to do so. If you’re born a specific way with genetics that suck ass, how can you truly get the body you desire?

For the longest time, I wanted abs. Um, I’m talking Jillian Michaels-type abs that looked sexy whenever she wore a crop top. I was jealous because I wanted that body over mine. I tried to get over it, hell, I’m still trying to accept that I maybe never have washboard abs and it sucks. I mean, I should learn to accept myself… blah, blah, blah.

The question that I wish to present to you is: where did we get this mentality to hate and shame our bodies? Why can’t we love what we have and move on? More so, I’m the main culprit here because time and time again, I always bash myself.

Whenever someone makes a comment about my body, immediately, I feel self-conscious. Instead of shaking it off and saying “screw you,” I listen to them and the picking-at-myself begins. I can’t turn it off because I care far too much about what others think.

I need to ask myself: Do “I” love my appearance? Why should I seek their approval? Who the hell do they think they are? Why do I care if people are staring at me? But, seriously, stop staring at me! I hate it when others stare because I’m always assuming they’re judging me. Why must we judge others? You may say, ‘it’s in our nature.’ You hear countless stories about people committing suicide due to bulling. Why do we allow it to continue?

If you love who you are, I am just very jealous. I don’t care if you’re a size — like me — everyone feels self-conscious at some point in their lives. But, please, do me a favor and DO NOT follow in my footsteps because it’s exhausting constantly caring what others think about it.

How about I stop now?

Via Huffington Post

Caring Too Much What Others Think

I care far too much what others think of me.

Whenever I see someone talking, whispering or pointing at me, I immediately begin to panic. I hate confrontation and am terrible at it. If someone doesn’t like me, I cannot simply, “shrug it off.” I constantly talk about it and will never just let it go.

Let’s say one of my co-workers isn’t fond me, instead of turning the other shoulder and forgetting about it, I think of ways I can get them to like me. Because the main reason I care about what others think is I hate the thought of someone not liking me! Can’t we just get along? If we didn’t talk shit on each other, don’t you think this world would be a much better place? We may not have hate, crime or violence in the world and I’d totally be fine with that!

I let the constant whispers eat at me until I feel absolutely nauseous. While, my boyfriend would say, “Hope, who cares what they think of you? Can’t you just stop?” But, he is right. If I’m a good person–which I am–why do I continuously let these things get to me? My mom would always say, “if you can go to bed at night knowing you’re a good person, who the hell cares what anyone thinks or says about you?” I think that goes along with feeling confident in yourself. If you feel confident with who you are as a person, you truly will brush off what others say about you.

But, allow me to soak in this notion: not everyone in this world will like you and that’s okay. At the end of the day, I am a good person and I always do as I’m told. If I know I’m doing some good in this world, why the heck do I care what Sally Sue thinks of me? Maybe she’s jealous that I got the promotion and she didn’t.

There could many reasons why people don’t like you. Jealously, backstabbing and ignorance are common reasons. Also, do you know those personalities you simply do not get along with? Yeah, there’s not a specific reasoning behind not favoring them, you just don’t like them. For me, I never got along with the strong, confident bitch. At ever job, there she was right in front of me. And, at every job, I tried to get her to like me, but it rarely worked. Depending on your personality, you know you get along with certain people over others.

All in all, there will always be someone in crowd that simply does not like you. And, I’m trying to accept that day by day.

Via Huffington Post