I could give up, throw my hands up in the air and say, “I’m done,” but I won’t do that.
I was in another one of my moods today when I felt down. I was so frustrated because I feel like nothing ever works out in my favor. It seems in life, the better of a person you are, the worse off you are. Why is it that all the shitty people get stuff handed to them, but the good people always get screwed over? Does that mean I should treat people like crap and I’ll get everything I ever wanted? What does this say about society? Also, why do the good people die young and get sick?
So, I was feeling sorry for myself because still, at 26, I’m not where I’d like to be. I was on the verge of tears as I got back into my car after I came home for break. But, then, I turned on the radio and heard, “Rise Up” by Andra Day. Now, I’m not a religious person and maybe it has nothing to do with religion, but it spoke to me. It’s as if Andra was telling me not to give up, to ‘rise up and be unafraid.’ And, you know what? In that moment, I listened to her and stopped myself in my tracks.
I mean, things could be worse. My health could be bad, my family could be unsupportive, my fiancé could treat me horribly and we could have nowhere to live. Things could always be worse, correct? That’s what my fiancé has told me throughout this entire process. He’s reminded me this time and time again, yet it never clicked.
Well, today it did.
So, we have to move back to PA. Not everything works out how you’d like it to. We learned so much living here and at first, I felt like a failure, but my parents constantly told me I was not. We successfully lived on our own for a year and we never needed any assistance from anyone – other than moving here. We made it and I couldn’t be prouder. I mean, there are people who could never do what we did – move away from everything they’ve ever known to a place they know not a soul but each other.
We took a huge risk and I have to be happy for having the guts to do this.
I remember a year ago when we talked about this. This was all we spoke about for about a week weighing the pros/cons. We knew we needed to start over and Tennessee was a great opportunity to do so. Sure – I was terrified that I wouldn’t find a job, that things might not work out with my fiancé and I. I was trying to be realistic about everything and in the back of my mind, I hoped everything would be okay, but you can never be sure.
There was a reason why Tennessee wasn’t meant to be. We didn’t want to live here forever, but we also didn’t want to leave so soon. How would we have planned our wedding from Tennessee? How would we have gone back and forth 4 times this year? How would we have been able to live on just my income? We had to ask ourselves these questions and from there, the decision was made to move back home until we get back on our feet.
Nothing needs to last forever and until the wedding, we’re going to reside in PA. This should be the happiest time of our lives and instead, it’s been miserable, sad and depressing. We need to re-group in PA, focus on saving money and figuring out what our future will look like. Then, after that, we can move again and this time be sure it’s the right decision.