“Remember the time we took Ollie to Barktoberfest and we dressed him like a lion?” I asked my fiancé. He laughed and nodded his head.
It’s almost been 2 months. Two months and I still cannot let Tennessee go. I still have it tucked safely in the back of my mind. Two months and I still feel the need to talk about it, memories come flooding back to me and I can’t help but bring them up in my fiancé.
Whenever I close my eyes, I pretend we’re living in Tennessee and I’m in our bed at our apartment safe and snug. The bedroom door is on my left and if I get up to leave the room, I’ll see the bathroom on the left. All of our stuff is spread neatly around the apartment. Photos of us and Ollie hang on the walls.
We’re 800 + miles away from home, but that’s okay because I have my freedom, my man and my dog to keep me company. Additionally, I have my work friend, whom I confide in when I’m feeling sad or lonely. My parents and his parents are a phone call, facebook message or skype chat away. I missed them so badly at first, but then eventually, in the end, I was okay. There were days I would give anything to see them, but knew I couldn’t.
“Unfortunately, we’re going to be here 3-4 years the way things are going,” my fiancé said one day.
I knew I didn’t want to be here that long, but I accepted it. I mean, I had my freedom, space and was living on my own – finally!
We had a routine. I worked 9-5 Monday – Friday and he would switch from 6-2 and 10-6. I would come home on my break from work and let the dog out and then, when I came home after 5, I’d let the dog out again and cook dinner. He’d come home from work exhausted nearly every day, but still had the energy to workout with me after we ate dinner.
Then, I open my eyes and I wasn’t in our apartment in Tennessee; I’m in his parents house living in his brothers old room. I exit the room and the bathroom is on my left, but on the right instead of a wall in our apartment, there’s a hallway leading to his parents room. His parents, who have generously allowed us to stay at their house while we get back on our feet. His parents, who I appreciate each and every day and would never take for granted.
I tend to forget about all of the negative things this situation brought though.
I grew too dependent on him and I lost myself. I became lazy and always needed to have him by my side. I never really did anything on my own because I needed him to do it with me. My fiancé and I had literally nothing to do. We had a couple we used to go out to dinner periodically, but it wasn’t that often. We argued time and time again over stupid stuff. I missed my family and friends and yearned to go dancing, but there really wasn’t anyone to do it with. We were unable to attend important events or get close with our families. I grew too dependent on him and I lost myself.
But, what about when I wanted to exchange my wedding dress? I wouldn’t have had my mom around to accompany me. And, I wouldn’t have been able to make DIY wedding décor. I wouldn’t have been able to comfortably enjoy being engaged because I would have been too damn flustered and stressed out.
“Good things come to those who wait.”
And, now, it’s time to move on, move forward and stop reliving the past because it’s doing nothing but bringing me down. It’s time to finally accept the situation and zip my lips. Sure – I miss Tennessee sometimes so much that it hurts, but everything must come to an end at some point. So, this is my goodbye to Tennessee and hello to a new adventure!