You Can Never Be Prepared For A Loved One To Pass Away

I don’t think I’m going to be able to walk into a nursing home for a while.

It’s just too painful for me and evokes too many memories. I don’t like to think of memories because then I’ll get sad and the waterworks will start. I’m afraid that once I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.

My grandmother passed away on March 10th.

My first thought was I  feel bad for dad because he just lost his mom. On the day of the funeral, I watched him sit there with a stone cold look on his face while he stared at my grandmother’s body. I knew he was weeping on the inside, but he just didn’t want to display his emotions.

I’ve only seen my father cry once in my life and that was when my cousin Eddie passed away. I was sure this would be the second time, but he didn’t show us. He hid it until no one was looking.

After all of us said our goodbyes, the minister shut the door with my mother and father in the room. I remember watching my father’s face and feeling horrible. My mother was always there for us when my dad wasn’t, she always supported us, my dad would tell me.

I wish I was better at comforting people because I would have hugged my dad really tight and told him everything was going to be alright.

Instead, I stood there for a second before getting into the car to head to the church. I couldn’t move, though, so I just stared at the door he just closed.

In reality, the sight of anyone crying would have set me off because I was going through an emotional rollercoaster between moving and my grandma passing away.

Growing up, I was never really close with my grandma.

It’s not to say I wasn’t sad when she passed, but my brothers and I never saw her that often. She babysat us a few times and came to all of our parties as well as a few of my recitals, but I don’t have specific memories of her.

I know my cousins were closer to her and they might have been feeling the loss a little greater than my brothers and me.

But, in general, you can never really be prepared for a loved one to die. How can you really prepare your mind for that? It’s hard to let go of someone you love and someone who has supported you through thick and thin. But, you need to let them go, though. You need to focus on the positive – like they’re no longer suffering. That’s what I try to tell my dad time and time again, but I know there’s nothing I can say or do to make him feel better.

In the end, I know he’ll be okay and that’s all that matters.

Via Puckermob

Here’s Hoping I Can Keep My Emotions Together

I’m in Greenville and I’m at Walmart picking out the curtains and garbage bags for our new apartment. I’m in my own world as I take a look around the store.

My dad calls me, but doesn’t leave a message while I’m chatting away with my husband about shower curtains.

I know that if my dad called me, the conversation wasn’t going to be a good one, especially since he doesn’t leave a message.

I nervously dial his number and wait for him to answer.

When he doesn’t, I breathe a sigh of relief because maybe just maybe he accidently dialed my number. I think, maybe it was a butt dial.

Then, a minute later, my phone rings.

He clears his throat before telling me my grandma has stopped eating. “She didn’t eat this morning or this afternoon. I’m thinking maybe tonight or tomorrow.”

My husband and I were set to move to Greenville on March 13th. We’d arranged the truck rental, our belongings and we were ready to leave PA. But, when I got that call, it changed everything.

“Okay, well, I’m going to have to stay and Brett has to go with his parents,” I said.

It was the only option.

When I got off the phone, I felt sad for my dad. His mom is dying and he must be devastated. Sure, it was bound to happen, but I figured it would be at least another year down the road. And, what great timing it was to occur.

The next day, my mom sent a text around 2 saying that grandma passed.

I felt pretty down that day for some reason. I was in North Carolina waiting for my husband to take a break from class and eat lunch with me.

I laid down across my front and passenger seats telling myself not to get upset, don’t let my emotions get the best of me. I kept repeating the same thing over and over to myself. I haven’t thought much about my emotions because I fear I won’t be able to control myself.

The plan was his parents had to bring the enterprise truck back in PA – near my parents house – so I drove back with them to attend the funeral. So, his folks generously drove down with us, helped us arrange everything and left two days later to continue their lives.

Gosh, I’m trying to be strong and not lose it. I just hope I have the strength to keep it together because I feel my throat tightening.

Making A Change In Your Life Isn’t Always A Bad Thing

I’m sitting in the clubhouse at my new apartment in Greenville.

Instead of thinking about the emotional stress I’m about to endure when we officially move, I’m focusing on finding a job, my new life with my husband, hanging out with our friends who live here and making memories.

If I were to think about how I won’t see my family or friends for a long time, it would do nothing but make me sad.

Here’s my advice to you: don’t fear change.

Change is hard, but instead of dwelling on the negatives, you should think about why you made the decision in the first place or why the decision was presented in front of your face. You must think to yourself, maybe this meant to be.

My husband and I came to Greenville last April for an engagement shoot one of my friends offered to do for us. We loved the area, but didn’t think much into it. We were going through a hard time at that point because he was about to lose my job and we had to move back home.

I know that I had a very difficult time grasping the fact that we needed to move back home until our wedding. But, then, we re-visited the option of Greenville in January again.

After discussing it and him getting an interview in Asheville to become a home inspector, we finally decided to take the leap and move here. We wanted to meet in the middle for a place to live and Greenville was it!

Now, we took a chance because he’s still going for his certificate and I do not have a job here – yet.

But, something told me it was okay. Something told me that I had to take this risk because well, I think it’s meant to be. I know I’ll find something eventually. Not to mention, it’s a great opportunity for him and whenever he talks about it, he lights up.

Nothing matters to me more than when my husband is happy. If he’s happy, I’m happy. And, that’s part of marriage. You need to make changes to benefit your partner. You need to sacrifice in order to help your partner out.

So, here we are, in Greenville.

Via Puckermob