I don’t think I’m going to be able to walk into a nursing home for a while.
It’s just too painful for me and evokes too many memories. I don’t like to think of memories because then I’ll get sad and the waterworks will start. I’m afraid that once I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.
My grandmother passed away on March 10th.
My first thought was I feel bad for dad because he just lost his mom. On the day of the funeral, I watched him sit there with a stone cold look on his face while he stared at my grandmother’s body. I knew he was weeping on the inside, but he just didn’t want to display his emotions.
I’ve only seen my father cry once in my life and that was when my cousin Eddie passed away. I was sure this would be the second time, but he didn’t show us. He hid it until no one was looking.
After all of us said our goodbyes, the minister shut the door with my mother and father in the room. I remember watching my father’s face and feeling horrible. My mother was always there for us when my dad wasn’t, she always supported us, my dad would tell me.
I wish I was better at comforting people because I would have hugged my dad really tight and told him everything was going to be alright.
Instead, I stood there for a second before getting into the car to head to the church. I couldn’t move, though, so I just stared at the door he just closed.
Growing up, I was never really close with my grandma.
It’s not to say I wasn’t sad when she passed, but my brothers and I never saw her that often. She babysat us a few times and came to all of our parties as well as a few of my recitals, but I don’t have specific memories of her.
I know my cousins were closer to her and they might have been feeling the loss a little greater than my brothers and me.
But, in general, you can never really be prepared for a loved one to die. How can you really prepare your mind for that? It’s hard to let go of someone you love and someone who has supported you through thick and thin. But, you need to let them go, though. You need to focus on the positive – like they’re no longer suffering. That’s what I try to tell my dad time and time again, but I know there’s nothing I can say or do to make him feel better.
In the end, I know he’ll be okay and that’s all that matters.