I woke up feeling weak, powerless and uninterested in getting the day started. It was partially because I hardly slept and also I was still in disbelief that it was already Monday. I dragged my sorry butt out of bed to the bathroom where I stared at myself in the mirror for a few seconds before turning on the faucet to wash my face.
I feel different today, I muttered to my husband.
When you wake up, have you ever felt like it was going to be a weird day? Like, something bad was going to happen? Or, something already bad occurred and you were waiting until the news hit? That’s how I felt.
I didn’t eat breakfast mostly because I wasn’t hungry and also I was going to be late to work.
I greeted everyone at work with a smile and wave – like I always do. But, I still felt odd. I felt off. It’s really difficult to explain, but just know that it’s a horrible feeling that consumes your whole body.
I texted my intern to check on her.
Then, hours later, the news came.
Her dad passed away two days prior. She didn’t want to talk about it or be asked about it simply because she wasn’t ready to discuss his death. To be honest, I think I would have said the same thing. I would have told her that I appreciate her checking on me, but I really don’t want to relive the night he passed away nor the fact that’s he’s gone. And, when she told me she doesn’t want me to mention it, I told her I respect her.
On the car ride home, I cried.
I cried for her. I cried for the feeling of one day losing my dad. I cried because she’ll never be able to hug, kiss or tell her dad I love you. I wept because I cannot even fathom how she’s feeling, what she’s thinking, or how she’s going to move on.
How do you move on after a loved one dies? How can you? How is it humanly possible to stop thinking about it? How is it possible to not keep reliving that night or your past memories? How do you just forget about that person? When does it start hurting? When are you able to just accept it?
Then, I thought of her mom.
They’ve been married for so long. How do you continue without your best friend, partner, side kick, love of your life? How long does it take to be okay with the title widow? How is it humanly possible to get over the death of your husband?
I felt sick. I almost puked. In my car, while riding home in a terrible wind and rain storm. The vomit made its way in my throat, but never left my mouth.
I had to lay down.
I guess you could say it took a pretty big toll on me considering my dad lives in another state. I don’t see my dad every day and I guess that torn me up the most. I called my dad last night and told him I loved him. With tears in my eyes, I told my dad how much he meant to me. And, since I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I’ll never stop reminding my dad that I love him.