Here’s Hoping I Can Keep My Emotions Together

I’m in Greenville and I’m at Walmart picking out the curtains and garbage bags for our new apartment. I’m in my own world as I take a look around the store.

My dad calls me, but doesn’t leave a message while I’m chatting away with my husband about shower curtains.

I know that if my dad called me, the conversation wasn’t going to be a good one, especially since he doesn’t leave a message.

I nervously dial his number and wait for him to answer.

When he doesn’t, I breathe a sigh of relief because maybe just maybe he accidently dialed my number. I think, maybe it was a butt dial.

Then, a minute later, my phone rings.

He clears his throat before telling me my grandma has stopped eating. “She didn’t eat this morning or this afternoon. I’m thinking maybe tonight or tomorrow.”

My husband and I were set to move to Greenville on March 13th. We’d arranged the truck rental, our belongings and we were ready to leave PA. But, when I got that call, it changed everything.

“Okay, well, I’m going to have to stay and Brett has to go with his parents,” I said.

It was the only option.

When I got off the phone, I felt sad for my dad. His mom is dying and he must be devastated. Sure, it was bound to happen, but I figured it would be at least another year down the road. And, what great timing it was to occur.

The next day, my mom sent a text around 2 saying that grandma passed.

I felt pretty down that day for some reason. I was in North Carolina waiting for my husband to take a break from class and eat lunch with me.

I laid down across my front and passenger seats telling myself not to get upset, don’t let my emotions get the best of me. I kept repeating the same thing over and over to myself. I haven’t thought much about my emotions because I fear I won’t be able to control myself.

The plan was his parents had to bring the enterprise truck back in PA – near my parents house – so I drove back with them to attend the funeral. So, his folks generously drove down with us, helped us arrange everything and left two days later to continue their lives.

Gosh, I’m trying to be strong and not lose it. I just hope I have the strength to keep it together because I feel my throat tightening.

My Year In Review for 2016

Truth be told 2016 has been a shitty year for all of us.

I overheard a woman talking to her friend about losing so many loved ones as well as celebrities this year.

I haven’t lost anyone, but I’ve had a rough year.

We started off the year with deciding whether he should look for another job in Tennessee or should we be grown-ups and temporarily move back home. I was absolutely distraught. I went from crying to accepting it to crying all over again. I remember the day he called me at work to tell me he was ready to quit his job because they were blaming him for something that wasn’t even his fault!

I was becoming more & more upset and pissed for his sake.

He then had his surgery in February, which left him out of work, but he was still getting paid, so we were okay.

We made the final decision to move back home at the end of April. So, I had to tell my job. My VP was very disappointed – as was I. Every day it would get closer and closer to when we had to leave and I’d become sadder and sadder and more pissed that his job did this to us.

He was happy to leave and get the hell away from Tennessee.

So, his brother, friend, and dad came to help us relocate back to PA.

On the ride home, with Ollie in the passenger seat, I cried my eyes out. I cried because I was losing my independence, that we were in this predicament and simply because I was not ready to leave.

My VP let me keep the magazine, but I decided to move on from the Community Manager position because it would be too hard to keep it remotely. Therefore, I spent my days working on the magazine and growing it. I spent my summer looking for jobs and feeling sorry for myself. I hated it, but I appreciated his parents for allowing us to move back in with them.

At the end of May, My Millennial Life was debuting in Canada at a theater, so the director Maureen Judge bought me a ticket to come visit and see the documentary. Doing that documentary was a great experience in itself! I met some great people – including the girl pictured below, Meron who was in the documentary with me.

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Eventually, I found a PT barista position in August.

Meanwhile, we were planning our wedding. It was a very stressful time in our lives because he went on unemployment and I was barely earning anything. We went from living comfortably to scraping by. But, again, his parents were generous and didn’t make us pay rent.

Regardless, we were in a bad place.

I was emotionally unstable at times while he was the one to pull me back up.

Then, his parents sold their house and the 4 of us moved into a 2-bedroom apartment. That was a hard adjustment for all of us. It was a smaller area, but we all got used to it. He and I were used to living in an apartment, so it wasn’t too big of a deal for us.

His brother’s wedding was October 14th, so we were having two weddings within 3 weeks of each other. Therefore, we had her bridal shower, mine, her bachelorette party and mine and of course the weddings.

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It was a fun time because I LOVE weddings, but the money wasn’t always available, so we did what we had to do in order to attend these events.

For my wedding, I decided to have two maids of honor.

Well, one of my maids of honor was causing such stress, so 5 days before the wedding, I told her I didn’t want her in my party or to come for that matter. I haven’t spoken with her since and that just means she never was my friend.

My best friend/maid of honor came into town for 3 days and her, her friend, Angelina and I went out two days before our wedding. I hadn’t seen her in almost a year, so it was a very happy reunion!

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Our wedding was perfect – surprising! Everything went smooth and we didn’t have ANY issues!

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Our honeymoon was mediocre because, on the cruise, we felt sick most days. But, it was nice to get away for a bit.

So, we’ve had ups & downs this year – mostly downs.

“Things will get better. Something will happen for you guys soon. Everything will be fine.” — I hear these phrases all the time and I hope they’re correct because other than getting married, nothing positive has happened. But, I’m going to try & stay positive because geez, something has to give!

I’m hoping 2017 will be better!

Here’s what I learned in 2016:

  1. Going through rough patches makes you a stronger person.
  2. Appreciating the people and good things in my life
  3. Stop dwelling on the past (this one especially)

I had such a HARD time letting go of Tennessee this year. It took me longer than the average person because being independent meant everything to me! But, I needed to learn that my independence isn’t gone for you, rather, it’s temporarily out of order.

Goals for 2017:

  1. Get even more into health & fitness.
  2. Have a successful career
  3. Grow even more as a person

2016 absolutely sucked, so I’m hoping in 2017, things will look up!

The Way of the World For Millennials

PuckermobSo, as millennials some common stereotypes are “privileged” “entitled” “bratty” “whiny” and the list goes on and on. Sure, some college grads would rather sit at home and play videogames/look for jobs while living under their parents roof. Then, there are some of us that bust our asses to look for jobs day after day after day, yet find nothing. We look every single day and that in itself is a full-time job. We try to find connections, sign up for a hundred different online outlets, create a LinkedIn account and reach out to anyone and everyone known to man. However, still at the end of the day, we cannot find a single thing we enjoy. Know what comes next? Unfortunately, we settle because we want out of our parents basement and need to start paying off student loans.

Then, gradually, we become unhappy because we just took a job to earn some dough. We stay in the position because I mean, we need to live. Regretfully, we chose a field which warranted us to earn absolutely nothing and so, we’re stuck in this bad and horrible situation. However, it’s both our fault and our college mentor that told us there were tons of jobs and “don’t you worry.” So, we listened to them and followed our dreams. What’s wrong with that? The problem is “our dream job” might not earn us enough, yet we still pursue it. What happens next is the most depressing thing… we give up on it because reality sets in – it won’t pay enough for us to be out on our own. It would take years and years to become successful, so here we are settling for a “job,” not a “career.”

Again, there are those of us who complain and don’t do a damn thing and that is their fault. But, the other millennials should not get these labels if they do their best and yet, it’s not enough. Honestly, it may not ever be enough because the economy is not made for college grads. Unless you get really lucky, unfortunately, you are more than likely, not going to land what you want. And, I’m not telling you to give up – ever! I want us to succeed in this crappy economy because we did not work our asses off in college to give in now! I’m just saying, if you want it, go for it and get a PT job in the meantime!

The way of the world for millennials is unfair. But, again, I will never understand how millennials who take advantage of parents and others around them get everything handed to them in a blink of the eye. I will continue to pursue what I want in life and not say a word. Sure, I feel frustrated at times, but the days are gone where I sit and complain about my situation. Well, boo-hoo there are plenty of people in worse positions. It took me a long time to get to this point, but I have now and I will not give up and I don’t want you to give up on millennials either!

Via Puckermob

30 Seconds Later, It Was A Yes!

My fiancé said when he asked for my hand in marriage that we wait until we visited our family, so we can tell them face-to-face. At first, I felt as if it was too big of a secret to keep, but I agreed. We went to Gatlinburg for Halloween and I thought maybe he’d ask me then, but the trip came and went without a word. My next guess was in Florida for our 2-year-anniversary. I mean, I should have figured it out since at first, we were going to Gatlinburg for our 2-year, but then he changed it to Florida because it was “more romantic.”

For the next month, I secretly prepared myself hoping he would ask then, but not wanting to think too much into it. There were several occasions when I’d joke about marriage and he told me he didn’t have a ring. I did believe him because there was one time when I went into his drawer to get something and while I was in there, I quickly peeked to see if it was in there. But, unfortunately, I found nothing.

I’d spend some of my time watching proposals wondering what my initial reaction would be. Most girls cried, hugged and kissed their guy, but I wasn’t an emotional person, so I figured I wouldn’t shed any tears.

When the weekend came, I hoped for the best. On the day of our 2-year-anniversary, he had a sailboat tour scheduled for about 3:00. Earlier in the day, we went mini-golfing and there was no one there. I joked with him and asked if he rented it out for us. I figured he might do it there? I wasn’t certain of anything. Actually, the night before, we went to the beach and he was acting strange, so I had a hunch he might do it there, but nope!

We headed to the boat area on time, but he was acting a bit odd because he kept giving me more complaints than usual. I was confused because he did tell me there would be about 6 other people in this boat and I said to myself, “he’d propose in front of all those people?” Hm… I had always told him that I wanted the proposal on video along with lots of photos.

Then, when no one accompanied us, he told me maybe no one scheduled a boat tour at that time. I didn’t think too much into it. While on the boat, our captain– who seemed like a nice and laid back guy– allowed me to do some of the steering work, which was cool. I was a bit quiet because right before that, I began feeling sick and I was trying to shake it off. He talked to the captain for a bit and then shifted his attention to me as the sun was setting. Again, I didn’t think anything of it when he asked the captain to “take a picture.” My fiancé surprised me when he said, “this has been the best two years of my life and I couldn’t ask for anything more. Will you be mine forever?”

My reaction? I began cursing profusely and shaking my head in utter shock. I didn’t cry, I was just in shock.  I didn’t say yes for at least 30 seconds and he began getting nervous. Oh, this was all taken on video too! So, eventually, I got myself together and shook my head ‘yes’. He pulled me in and kissed me. But, I was too shocked to do anything except for putting my hand over my mouth.

That night, we went to an exquisite restaurant, walked around St. Augustine and then went back to the hotel to relax.  The only people who could know were in the people at my job.  He told his good friend, but that was only because he wanted to hang out on the night we planned to break the news and have dinner with our parents. You’ll never know how hard it was to keep it a secret, but we pulled it off.

Via PuckerMob

I Want To Be Noticed For Doing Something ‘Great’

I was told you don’t have to be unique to be noticed, but if everyone was the same, how would one stand out? If we all had the same talents, how would we differentiate ourselves? If we were all the same, wouldn’t that be absolutely boring? If we all had the same attitude and thought in the exact same way, things would never change.

I would like to be recognized and noticed for doing something great. Maybe I haven’t found my niche in life, but I hope to get there one day. I want to be great. But, then again, who doesn’t want to be? I mean, there are so many people in our society trying to “make it” and be someone. But, why isn’t it enough to come home to a quiet household without cameras, paparazzi or worrying about someone constantly following you? I ask myself that all the time and yet cannot answer the question. And, I’m not saying I’d like people to flock to me all the time, but it would be nice to be noticed from time-to-time.

As strange as it sounds, I think people do recognize me at times. Know why I think that way? Unless they think I’m like the most beautiful girl in the world, I always find people staring at me and occasionally pointing at me. But, maybe I’m just paranoid? Whatever the case, people do look at me. Regardless, I’d like to get noticed for my accomplishments in life. Rather, for making a huge difference.

I’ve been trying to do this for years and I haven’t been successful yet, but I am not giving up!

What I Learned Moving To Another State

Last March, my then-boyfriend, now fiancé, and I decided to move to another state. Now, keep in mind, we never lived away from home and it was 800+ miles away. So, again, we wouldn’t know anyone and planned to re-build our lives. We would be in a different environment and I knew there would be tons to learn.

Not only did we have to learn to work together, I personally needed to grow as a person. I feared being a grown-up and it crippled me. But, my then-boyfriend was always there to reassure me that growing up was nothing to be afraid of because well, it has to happen at some point in your life. And, at 25, it needed to occur ASAP.

But, unfortunately, my fear took over and I refused to do so and fought with it- or rather- fought with my boyfriend. In the first few months, we did nothing but argue and it was absolutely horrible. It was pretty sad when we got our dog, Ollie and I was jealous of him because it seemed as if my boyfriend was giving him more attention that myself. But, it was not that at all because that sounds absolutely absurd. It was all in my head and I needed to take a hard look at myself and ask why I was acting this way.

See, I’m smart enough to recognize when I’m acting in an immature way. I stop and ask myself why and from there, I learn from my mistakes. And, the truth was, being that far from my family was very hard. I did not think about the ’emotional’ side of things because I knew it might prevent me from going. I knew I needed a change as well as him and figured ‘this’ was IT.

I just had such a hard time adjusting to this new life. I had lived in PA my whole time and in a day, that changed. But, it’s not like I had to do it, it was a decision we mutually agreed upon. I just had to accept the harsh reality that I was no longer a kid. I had responsibilities, bills to pay, people to take care of, etc. And, it was time to stop being so damn afraid to be an adult. My parents have always made decisions for me and having to make them for myself was terrifying. Again, it was time to start deciding what to do for myself.

I also learned how to care for another living creature, that being a dog. At first, I did not want the responsibility, but in the end, I learned so much from the experience and now love him to pieces. And, in October, when my boyfriend had surgery and got sick, I was there to care for him. The ‘old’ me probably wouldn’t have been able to handle it and that’s the sad, but I had to prove something to myself as well as him. To me, I needed to prove that I will be a good mom, good partner and be there when times are rough. And, I passed with flying colors!

So, despite the first few months being extremely rough and hard, I learned so much and would not take it back for the world. I’ve become more mature, have grown as a person as well as a wonderful companion to my fiancé.

Via PuckerMob

Thank You For Being So Selfless: A Letter To My Parents To Thank You For Everything

Dear Parents:

Being born into a middle-class family taught me how to appreciate life.  It taught me how to work hard and earn money the right way.  I know you guys never had millions of dollars, but that was fine by me because at a young age, I watched as you struggled– at times– and still raised us 3 to be the best we could be, despite all the tough times you went through.

Mom- I was paying attention when you were working 3 jobs while dad was laid off and I now understand why you had to do that. You needed to earn extra dough so we could all survive. And, when dad hurt his thumb at work and wasn’t able to work, I saw how frustrated he was yet the two of you remained calm and cool- for us.

Thank you for showing me how to love and care for someone else. You passed down the gene of loving someone no matter what and not leaving them when times are tough. You and dad showed me how to have a relationship by loving each other the way you do.

Even though you didn’t agree with some of the decisions I’ve made in my life, you were still there to support me and love me no matter what. And, even when I wasn’t earning tons of money, you still occasionally handed me a $20 bill from time-to-time because you knew exactly how hard it was to find a job.

Mom and dad- despite being in my mid-twenties and not being able to find a good job, you allowed me to live in the house rent-free and never once asked me for a dime. But, you know from time to time, I’d pay for stuff and always did chores around the house without being asked.  And, for that, I’m eternally grateful.

You drove me places and never once complained about how far or how much gas you were using. I mean, damn, you drove me to the airport there and back and still didn’t ask for a cent.

You taught me how to be a parent. Even though I don’t have kids yet, by being good parents yourself, you’ve shown me how to sacrifice yourself to make your kids happy because when we’re happy, you’re happy. You both have big hearts and never once turned away from me when I needed you.

Despite not always having tons of time, you never told me you couldn’t have a quick chat when I needed you. When I broke up with boyfriends and wanted to talk about it, you just sat there, listened and never judged me. You accepted me for who I was and I am very thankful for that.

You always put food on the table even though at times you didn’t have mounds of money hanging around. And, I’m sorry for complaining about how much chicken you were making on a weekly basis because guess what, there were some kids who were starving while I was wasting my breath with the “ews” and “yuck.”

And, mom, even though you were short on cash, whenever you’d see something that reminded you of me, you’d always buy it and never ask for anything in return. You were always a giver, not a receiver.  And, dad, you’d give me some cash from time-to-time once you started doing your lawn business.

Dad- you’d take me along with you on your gardening jobs just so I could earn some money and I always appreciated that more than you’ll ever know. You took the time to listen and talk to me about what was going on in my life. I loved those jobs because I got to spend time with you.

Mom- I always enjoyed our shopping trips and I thank you for always buying me a shirt because you knew I wanted it.

All in all, you guys have always supported me through thick and thin and for that, I am very appreciative of.

Love,
Your daughter

 

A Thanksgiving of Firsts

Little girls shouting on a balcony along with an older man, who I presume is their grandfather. They sound excited and cheerful on the day after Thanksgiving.  I continue to walk Ollie as the cool breeze blows my hair from side to side. I scrunch my eyes because of the win thinking about the holidays.

28 days until the next holiday, Christmas. Three weeks until we leave for PA. It’s going to come fast and I know it already. Our parents are probably planning for our arrival and patiently waiting with open arms to welcome us home for a week. After that, we go back to reality that we’re living 800  miles away and we wanted this. Now, please don’t misconstrue this for me complaining for feeling sorry for myself because that’s not the case. This was our choice and as I said time and time again, I do not regret it for one minute. We’ve endured plenty of hardships being down here and we grew as a couple. Growing as a couple was something that needed to happen if we’re going to be together forever. Rather, it was a test we had to face.

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Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I spent half the day cooking, watching TV, and working a little bit while Brett worked for 6 hours. He was only supposed to go in for a few hours, but it turned into several and I was not happy. I would have been crushed if it would have spent the rest of the night there.

It was our first Thanksgiving away from home. First Thanksgiving making dinner. First Thanksgiving in our apartment. Heck, it was Ollie’s first Thanksgiving. Now, it’s time to make new traditions with each other. It’s different, but it had to happen sometime.

I am thankful for a supportive family, boyfriend, a job and most of all- my health.

Most Women Want An Established Man

Most women want an established man, one who has his s*** together. The last guy you want is one who doesn’t know what he wants in life, is completely immature and still depends on mommy for everything. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t you prefer the man who is earning decent money over the guy who is still looking for a job?

I graduated college when I was 24, so I feel as if I was a bit late in the guy.  So, it honestly didn’t matter if the guy I was seeing just graduated and was just starting out in his field because I was doing the same.  Who am I to judge?

So, when I met my boyfriend, since I lived at home as well, it didn’t bother me he still lived with his parents. Maybe to you that’s a deal breaker, but it was no big deal to me. When I met him, he was looking for a full-time job, just graduated and was frustrated with submitting job application after job application.  And, I was right there with him because I was doing the same.  I endured the struggle with him and never turned my back on him.  He was trying his best and once I revised his resume, he landed a job about a month later.

He was part of my struggle as I continued to search for a full-time job.  I was interning at Family Circle in New York when we met, so I wasn’t exactly reeling in the dough. And, while we were dating, even though he didn’t earn a ton of money, we still went out on dates, so he wasn’t using money as an excuse for not taking me places.  And, I understood that they wouldn’t be extravagant places nor did I want them to be either.

I was looking for a guy who would listen, support me through thick and thin, love and care for me and would be there for me when I needed him.  The guy didn’t need to earn millions of dollars because at the end of the day, money doesn’t equal happiness. Therefore, even if he did have a ton of money, would that make me happier?  To a certain extent, sure it would, but in the end, just hanging out with him and cuddling is enough for me!  I’ve always referenced this quote:

“Most women want a man that’s already established.  A strong woman will be part of his struggle, survive it, succeed together and build an empire.”

To The Women Who Call Themselves Ugly

As women, we’re always critiquing and picking apart our body. We constantly bash ourselves about our appearance. It’s easy to convince ourselves that we’re ugly. Here’s The ugly truth, we actually listen.

The other day, I read this status made from someone on my Facebook, “I might be ugly but at least I ain’t stupid cause ugly can be fixed and your stupidity can’t.” And, this absolutely disgusted me. As a woman, why do we need to call ourselves, “ugly?” Why is it necessary to put ourselves down? Everyone is attractive in their own way.

Your personality might be cute as a button and that’s why so many people like you. Or, you may always make a negative into a positive, making you beautiful. We need to stop labeling ourselves as “unworthy” “ugly” or “stupid.”

So what if you don’t wear a size 0 or have a rather large nose, that doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love. Everyone deserves to be loved and to be happy. We need to start telling each other we’re beautiful. And, we must start believing and having confidence in ourselves.
In the past, only tall and thin-framed girls could be models.

But, now, you see plus size models are just as successful and still beautiful. So, whomever tells you you must be skinny to be attractive should go to hell! Feel comfortable in your own skin and feel proud of who you are.

Therefore, stop telling yourself you’re hideous when you look at yourself in the mirror. Post positive aspects of yourself and post it on your bathroom mirror. Then, after you write at least 5 positive characteristics of yourself, repeat them to yourself every single day. Don’t ever put yourself down. You are your worst enemy and nothing will change if you don’t alter the way you show yourself.

Via Thought Catalog