Here’s Hoping I Can Keep My Emotions Together

I’m in Greenville and I’m at Walmart picking out the curtains and garbage bags for our new apartment. I’m in my own world as I take a look around the store.

My dad calls me, but doesn’t leave a message while I’m chatting away with my husband about shower curtains.

I know that if my dad called me, the conversation wasn’t going to be a good one, especially since he doesn’t leave a message.

I nervously dial his number and wait for him to answer.

When he doesn’t, I breathe a sigh of relief because maybe just maybe he accidently dialed my number. I think, maybe it was a butt dial.

Then, a minute later, my phone rings.

He clears his throat before telling me my grandma has stopped eating. “She didn’t eat this morning or this afternoon. I’m thinking maybe tonight or tomorrow.”

My husband and I were set to move to Greenville on March 13th. We’d arranged the truck rental, our belongings and we were ready to leave PA. But, when I got that call, it changed everything.

“Okay, well, I’m going to have to stay and Brett has to go with his parents,” I said.

It was the only option.

When I got off the phone, I felt sad for my dad. His mom is dying and he must be devastated. Sure, it was bound to happen, but I figured it would be at least another year down the road. And, what great timing it was to occur.

The next day, my mom sent a text around 2 saying that grandma passed.

I felt pretty down that day for some reason. I was in North Carolina waiting for my husband to take a break from class and eat lunch with me.

I laid down across my front and passenger seats telling myself not to get upset, don’t let my emotions get the best of me. I kept repeating the same thing over and over to myself. I haven’t thought much about my emotions because I fear I won’t be able to control myself.

The plan was his parents had to bring the enterprise truck back in PA – near my parents house – so I drove back with them to attend the funeral. So, his folks generously drove down with us, helped us arrange everything and left two days later to continue their lives.

Gosh, I’m trying to be strong and not lose it. I just hope I have the strength to keep it together because I feel my throat tightening.

The Emptiness Of Loved Ones Leaving After Visiting For A Few Days

You can feel the emptiness in the air of people who were once visiting, but are no longer around. You see a deflated air mattress where someone once slept. You hear the slight sound of the fan going around. You hear dogs barking outside. But, there are no voices. There’s no one talking, laughing or speaking. You feel absolutely lonesome and it’s a feeling not worth having.

My brothers visited this weekend for about 4 days. One of the days I worked a full-day and the other was a half-day. We planned to do several activities, but some of them fell through because things seem not to work out for me these days. We went to an Escape Game in Nashville, but I wasn’t overly thrilled about it.

The next day, I felt like absolute crap due to my “ladies days,” so half of the day was shot. Not to mention, my boyfriend couldn’t come with us because it had something bad happen at work and had to take care of it, so my brothers and I had to continue on without him. That really stung because I want my brothers to spend more time with him and get to know him a bit better. Regardless though, it was more about me getting to hang with my brothers, whom I haven’t seen since March.

I think I failed them though because we didn’t do all the things we planned to do and I feel as if they were bored some of the time. I wish we could have done more, saw more, spent more time together, but the days flew by before I could even catch my breath. And, also, I have a ton going on at work, so that was on my mind as well. We’re launching a brand new website and I’m still in the midst of getting accustomed to everything.

Then, we dropped them off at the airport and it was too early to realize what was happening. Once I saw them walk away, it hit me. I’m not the type of girl who cries for no reason. I have never been the emotional type and I’m glad, but when things make me feel sad, I lose it. And, I don’t cry in front of anyone, so I held back, like I always do and once I got home, I fell asleep.

I woke up to an empty living room and sat on the floor and cried. I cried because I didn’t show them a good time; I cried because I missed them; I cried because I felt empty inside and I cried because I don’t know the next time I’ll see them. I know this happens to families every day, so I’m not the only one, but I just didn’t see myself feeling this terrible.

I suppose moving here has become a bit harder than I thought.

Those damn text messages really stirred nasty, unwanted thoughts back into my brain.

Low on storage my phone read this morning. Okay, time to delete some applications from my phone to free up space.

I looked through the many apps I had, but couldn’t find it in my heart to delete them. Instagram? No way. Facebook? Ut-uh. Google Maps? Hell no.

Voice Dialer, which takes up 40.00 gigs, yes. I simple pushed the delete button and went on my way. Or so I thought.

To my surprise, it erased all of my text messages. Every text message that I sent on that phone was gone. My Temple Days. Tennessee Days. Matt Days. Friend Days.

It. Was. Gone.

I began to think, freak out, ponder, wonder how could I have been so stupid? Why would I just erase everything?

It’s a clean slate. Everything is gone. I texted my bestie to tell her my horrible news, but she took it as a sign. Now all of your texts from Matt are erased. 

Honestly, I never could have deleted them. EVER. I would have saved them to read, enjoy, go back in time, but now I can’t. It’s gone, done, like my relationship, over.

Temple Days are gone. My relationship is over. Tennessee has come & gone. 

Later, I began to really think about it. It’s time to move on. It’s time to really let go of the past & move on. For real this time. No jokes. No gimics. No avoiding. Nothing. I NEED to keep going. I didn’t feel like working out, but I pushed myself. I had to. I told myself that I needed to workout.

Toward the end of my ab rolls, I began thinking again & I was depressed. I told myself not to cry, hold it in. I couldn’t smile. I couldn’t laugh. I couldn’t do anything but frown.

The text messages were gone & I couldn’t get them back. It’s as if they’ve floated away in the air.

It really hit me after that. Gosh, I cried. I cried for everything. Temple Days. Matt Days. Tennessee Days. Her Campus Days. Good Housekeeping Days. NYC. Philadelphia. Train. Food Truck.s Tea. Gosh.

Do you realize a year ago around this time, I had just developed a crush on Matt? The elevator ride anniversary is coming up as well. I believe it was around September 29th or so. That date is just around the corner. I miss it.

I miss the kisses. I miss the hugs. I miss the talks. I miss the compliments. I miss it all. Gosh, this text message thing brought all of it back to the surface. Why? How? When? Who? What? 

I’m done. I do indeed want to truly be done with all of this mumbo jumbo. Just drop it. Leave it in the park & not come back to it.

I will. I promise. I still couldn’t see Matt right now. I couldn’t.

As my bestie read the tarot cards, she told me I was really effected by the break-up in April. I’m still reeling from it. It took a lot out of you, she added with a sincere look in her eyes. I knew it. I nodded my head because I knew it. I know that. I did. You may not think it did, but you’re wrong.

Gosh, I cared for him dearly. He was the first guy I exposed my whole self to. I did it all– except the deed. We got close– physically, mentally & emotionally. Then, boom, I dropped the bomb. I had to end it. I felt like he was holding me back. I couldn’t take it. In ways, I feel so relieved, but I’m not over it. We dated for 6 months. It’s been 5 months. It usually takes the same amount of months dating as it does to get over the other person. So, according to that, I should be over him by.. next month? 

Those damn text messages really stirred nasty, unwanted thoughts back into my brain. Re-living the past sometimes sucks.

I miss Temple University.

Again, Again & Again.

While sleeping, the memories came back. I swear, it just felt like yesterday. I was in school. I was beginning the second half of my senior year at Temple. I was happy to end the studying, paper writing, spending countless hours in my room and the reading, reading and more reading. I’d never have to pick up another novel to read ever again. I was glad. However, then, I really thought about it. ALL OF IT.

Nope. I’m a dope, stupid, dumb, ridiculous girl to keep thinking about my Temple days continuously reminiscing about the whole experience. I just ended the semester. I swear. It was just last week when I was starting to write my 20 page paper for Phil’s class. It ‘s so painful– still. STILL.

You see, Temple & I just ended a 2-year relationship. We experienced several new venues in life. Being a Staff Writer for Her Campus Temple, having a 6-month romance with a guy, writing for The Temple News and Templar Annual, interning for Good Housekeeping Magazine, meeting several new people, becoming accustomed  to the city, train rides, classes and food trucks. I’m so heartbroken over Temple. THAT’S IT! Bingo. I’ve hit the nail on the head. I ended a 2-year relationship & I still haven’t gotten over it. It might take me some time because Dear Ol’ Temple was good to me. He was so pleasant & nice & I was IN LOVE with him. I put all of my efforts & hard work into him. I love you dearly Temple. I miss you soooo much. The hurt feeling won’t go away for a while, so try to stick with me as I go through this hardship. Please be there for me like I was for you.

XOXO.

I’m a bit disheveled. That’s me

Doubts.

They stayed. They were here. They were present. They arrived, but never left.

I had an entire week to think, ponder, write, decide what I wanted to do. Would I do it? Could I do it? Was I strong enough to go through with it?

Annoyed. Frustrated. Irritated. Mad. Pissed.

I kept talking. Building up my strength to really do it. I had to because the doubts were strong then they left, but to my surprise, they resurfaced. I didn’t think they would reappear, but they did. I was left with a choice, a decision.

I had it planned out– he would come down Saturday and we would finally talk. I was nervous, scared and I had no clue how he’d take it.

Would he cry? Would he be angry? Would he leave quickly?

I drove to the park with my stomach in a knot. I could hardly eat and it was one of the worst weeks for me because I’d need to decide.

He was there.

He got out of his car and I got out of mine. I couldn’t avoid the topic, the moments, the doubts anymore because it wasn’t fair. 

I just simply told him the truth–I shouldn’t have a boyfriend right now because the timing is off. It’s nothing personal, I just need to find myself. I need to figure out where I’m going before I can fully commit.There were other factors too. Oh so many, but I just stuck to that.

We went for a walk and talked for a while about the decision and how our week went. It was a week from hell for me.

It was a very emotional goodbye.

He pulled me close to put my head on his shoulder. I swear I was about to cry. I told myself not to. Don’t cry. Don’t shed those tears. 

We could still be friends. Would I be able to text him to ask how his day is going? Am I allowed to tell him deep, dark secrets? Could I share my thoughts and feelings about my life? Do friends do that? What can I do and what can’t I do? How do we transition from boyfriend/girlfriend to friends? 

I. Don’t. Know.

I don’t know anything.

We got up to leave. He held my hand as we walked back to our cars. I told myself to keep focus. Then, we hugged near my car. This was even more emotional. I said, “Don’t make me cry.” He told me it was fine if I did. No way. No how!

And, gosh we hugged. It was sad & depressing.

I felt like shit,utter & complete dirt, disgusting, crappy, gross, nasty & grotesque.

I decided this. I wrote a list. I thought long & hard and figured this would be the best option for me, for us. He wasn’t happy about it, but he was completely understanding & great. I bet he became angry later on, but at the moment, he was calm & cool. 

He got into his car & drove away. He looked at me & waved.

THEN, it happened. I lost it. I couldn’t hold it in. I broke down as he drove away. I cried so hard as happy people floated past me with families playing soccer, baseball or enjoying each others company. I was alone, completely alone. I was lost. I was sad.

I stayed for about an hour before I went home. I wasn’t able to move. Trust me, I remember that moment & I would NEVER go back to it.

We have to move on, he said through a pained expression.

I swear, I thought he was going to cry. I KNOW he was feeling the same way as I did. It was horrible & terrible.

I can’t see couples. I don’t want to see man and woman holding hands. I can’t see a guy kissing a girl on top of her head. I can’t handle that right now.

I’m fragile, vulnerable, wounded & raw right now. I’m still reeling.

Was it a good decision? Gosh, I hope so.

If you didn’t feel it, you didn’t feel it. There’s a reason why you broke up, right? You just miss having a guy to hug & kiss. You just miss the title, said one of my best friends.

When this happens, you really see who your real friends are.

BUT, I did make the right decision.

Don’t forget. Just because when I look at photos, I miss him doesn’t mean that I regret my decision.

I haven’t spoken to him since Saturday and I really don’t think we’ll talk for a while. I don’t think he’ll contact me. I know him. He won’t.

My friend told me to wait a month. Can I really not talk to him for THAT long?! Gosh, all I want to do is talk to him. Gosh, I miss him. Gosh, I wanted this though. I was doing so well earlier. I don’t think I’m ready to change my relationship status. No, I wouldn’t go back to him. I just want to talk to him.

I swear, as we hugged on Saturday, I wanted to say THOSE words, “I. Love. You.” I didn’t  though. I just loved the idea of a boyfriend.

I’m so disoriented, messy, disorganized. Ew. Ugh. When will I get my strength back? Fully? Be able to talk about it without choking on my tears? Be strong enough to see a man and woman be intimate with each other? Be able to let a guy in? Be fully ready for the day? Be me. Be myself? When?

Hope— it’s been 2 days! My oh my. What do you expect?

I know. I know.

I’m a bit disheveled. That’s me.

I am strong enough for this.

I stood at the Woodbourne train station ready to board the train to pick up my graduation tickets.

I remember it.

I remember the cold breeze that used to make me shiver as I got on the train. I remember how I would read or do homework on those 35-45 minute train rides. Most of the time, I did homework.

On Tuesdays & Thursdays, I’d take the R3 and on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I rode the R7. I switched it up a bit and didn’t choose one boring route. I loved it. I hated the homework, the studying, the papers, the readings. I never seemed to have enough time to do it. I was always focused on another class.

Now that it’s almost over, I miss it BADLY. I only took an internship class this semester which meant I didn’t need to go down to Temple. Instead, I went to the Big Apple. I was engrossed in the New York life instead of the Philly life I lead for almost 2 years.

I planned to have lunch with one of my good friends. We would discuss some issues I’m having with the boyfriend. Doubts, again. Not sure. About… ANYTHING. I’m not even sure about myself. I’ve brought this up before– Who the hell am I anyway? No clue…

She mentioned the “b” word. Yes, break-up. Should I? I’m contemplating it. I’ve been for a while now. I feel like today was a dream. Could I really just do that? She offered some advice, “Be alone with yourself for a few days. Listen to music, write, figure it out. Write a Pros & Cons list. Go for long walks…” for this whole week. Just be by yourself, she added. She would know since she broke up with her long time boyfriend a few weeks ago and she hasn’t felt happier.

Am I happy? I don’t know. I’ve never really been “happy.”To be honest,  I’m not even sure if I know what that means. Terrible. Bad, but true!

So, after our discussion, I’m left with a decision.

Be by myself.

Listen to music.

Self reflect.

Go for long walks.

Write a list.

Think it all & through.

It’s an EXTREMELY hard decision since he’s one of the best guys I know, but if I don’t feel the same as I have before then I have to break up with him.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I feel like I’m in a dream. On the train ride home, everyone was chatting, smiling, yelling around me and I felt like I was asleep. I wasn’t awake. This has to be a dream. There’s no way that this is real. It can’t be.

But then I ask myself, “Can I really do this? Am I strong enough? Do I have enough strength?”

I’ve been contemplating this for a while now. I HAVE to do it. I NEED to do it. I just don’t want to see the look on his face. I don’t, but I have to.

I am strong enough for this.