Here’s Hoping I Can Keep My Emotions Together

I’m in Greenville and I’m at Walmart picking out the curtains and garbage bags for our new apartment. I’m in my own world as I take a look around the store.

My dad calls me, but doesn’t leave a message while I’m chatting away with my husband about shower curtains.

I know that if my dad called me, the conversation wasn’t going to be a good one, especially since he doesn’t leave a message.

I nervously dial his number and wait for him to answer.

When he doesn’t, I breathe a sigh of relief because maybe just maybe he accidently dialed my number. I think, maybe it was a butt dial.

Then, a minute later, my phone rings.

He clears his throat before telling me my grandma has stopped eating. “She didn’t eat this morning or this afternoon. I’m thinking maybe tonight or tomorrow.”

My husband and I were set to move to Greenville on March 13th. We’d arranged the truck rental, our belongings and we were ready to leave PA. But, when I got that call, it changed everything.

“Okay, well, I’m going to have to stay and Brett has to go with his parents,” I said.

It was the only option.

When I got off the phone, I felt sad for my dad. His mom is dying and he must be devastated. Sure, it was bound to happen, but I figured it would be at least another year down the road. And, what great timing it was to occur.

The next day, my mom sent a text around 2 saying that grandma passed.

I felt pretty down that day for some reason. I was in North Carolina waiting for my husband to take a break from class and eat lunch with me.

I laid down across my front and passenger seats telling myself not to get upset, don’t let my emotions get the best of me. I kept repeating the same thing over and over to myself. I haven’t thought much about my emotions because I fear I won’t be able to control myself.

The plan was his parents had to bring the enterprise truck back in PA – near my parents house – so I drove back with them to attend the funeral. So, his folks generously drove down with us, helped us arrange everything and left two days later to continue their lives.

Gosh, I’m trying to be strong and not lose it. I just hope I have the strength to keep it together because I feel my throat tightening.

Making A Change In Your Life Isn’t Always A Bad Thing

I’m sitting in the clubhouse at my new apartment in Greenville.

Instead of thinking about the emotional stress I’m about to endure when we officially move, I’m focusing on finding a job, my new life with my husband, hanging out with our friends who live here and making memories.

If I were to think about how I won’t see my family or friends for a long time, it would do nothing but make me sad.

Here’s my advice to you: don’t fear change.

Change is hard, but instead of dwelling on the negatives, you should think about why you made the decision in the first place or why the decision was presented in front of your face. You must think to yourself, maybe this meant to be.

My husband and I came to Greenville last April for an engagement shoot one of my friends offered to do for us. We loved the area, but didn’t think much into it. We were going through a hard time at that point because he was about to lose my job and we had to move back home.

I know that I had a very difficult time grasping the fact that we needed to move back home until our wedding. But, then, we re-visited the option of Greenville in January again.

After discussing it and him getting an interview in Asheville to become a home inspector, we finally decided to take the leap and move here. We wanted to meet in the middle for a place to live and Greenville was it!

Now, we took a chance because he’s still going for his certificate and I do not have a job here – yet.

But, something told me it was okay. Something told me that I had to take this risk because well, I think it’s meant to be. I know I’ll find something eventually. Not to mention, it’s a great opportunity for him and whenever he talks about it, he lights up.

Nothing matters to me more than when my husband is happy. If he’s happy, I’m happy. And, that’s part of marriage. You need to make changes to benefit your partner. You need to sacrifice in order to help your partner out.

So, here we are, in Greenville.

Via Puckermob

You Get One “Great Love” In Life

Some might disagree with this statement I’m about to make, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I believe in life, we get one ‘great love.’ There, I said it. For those who get re-married because their spouse passed or they got a divorce, it could be possible that their next love will be even better than their previous, but it doesn’t work in all cases. Remember – there are exceptions to every rule!

I’ve been told that Brett being my first could causes issues later on because he’s my ‘first love,’ I might ‘wonder’ about other men. I don’t believe that for a second and I’ll tell you why: you never forget your first love and the way he makes me feel when you kiss him, touch him, hug him or when he sits next to you. Don’t tell me how I’m feeling sounds like ‘infatuation’ when I’ve sacrificed, put him first, have been there when he’s needed me and have been very supportive because you don’t know the half of it! Just because he’s my first doesn’t mean it’s not my ‘great love.’

Know how I know no one will top this feeling? I get butterflies whenever he holds my hand, whenever he’s near me, whenever I hear his voice. You may call me ‘naive’ or whatever you’d like, but you’ll never know how I truly feel about this man. I would literally die for him.

Whenever he expresses his work troubles, my heart aches thinking about what he’s going through. Just because I’m not ‘physically’ there doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. It doesn’t mean his job isn’t stressing me out. I mean, I worry about him every single day. You might call me ‘obsessed’ or what not, but that’s not the case whatsoever. This is the type of love where I could not live without him. I could not imagine a world without Brett. I could not go a day without seeing, touching, kissing or hugging him – unless I absolutely had to.

When you find this ‘great love,’ do not let him go! Do everything in your power to fight for him! Maintaining your love is a challenge, but if he’s really your ‘great love,’ you will do anything to keep that bond forever and ever!

Via Pucker Mob

A Thanksgiving of Firsts

Little girls shouting on a balcony along with an older man, who I presume is their grandfather. They sound excited and cheerful on the day after Thanksgiving.  I continue to walk Ollie as the cool breeze blows my hair from side to side. I scrunch my eyes because of the win thinking about the holidays.

28 days until the next holiday, Christmas. Three weeks until we leave for PA. It’s going to come fast and I know it already. Our parents are probably planning for our arrival and patiently waiting with open arms to welcome us home for a week. After that, we go back to reality that we’re living 800  miles away and we wanted this. Now, please don’t misconstrue this for me complaining for feeling sorry for myself because that’s not the case. This was our choice and as I said time and time again, I do not regret it for one minute. We’ve endured plenty of hardships being down here and we grew as a couple. Growing as a couple was something that needed to happen if we’re going to be together forever. Rather, it was a test we had to face.

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Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I spent half the day cooking, watching TV, and working a little bit while Brett worked for 6 hours. He was only supposed to go in for a few hours, but it turned into several and I was not happy. I would have been crushed if it would have spent the rest of the night there.

It was our first Thanksgiving away from home. First Thanksgiving making dinner. First Thanksgiving in our apartment. Heck, it was Ollie’s first Thanksgiving. Now, it’s time to make new traditions with each other. It’s different, but it had to happen sometime.

I am thankful for a supportive family, boyfriend, a job and most of all- my health.

You Never Know Your Own Strength Until You Go Through A Hardship

When life challenges you with a difficult decision, you either sink or swim. You either complain or deal with the situation thinking how much you have learned/grew from the experience. It’s true when they say you don’t know your own strength until you go through a hardship. Life can surprise you at times. Whether it’s good or bad, it can make or break you.

Recently, my boyfriend had septoplasty surgery — which corrects a deviated nasal septum — along with turbinate reduction — which reduces the overall size of the turbinates allowing for airflow. This was done on a Monday, which was the day I worked from home. If you’ve never heard of this procedure, just know that the first 48 hours are supposed to be hell, but then, gradually you’re supposed to feel better. The issue was, in those 48 hours instead of feeling better, he actually got worse.

I called the nurse 3-4 times throughout the week, went to the store a bunch of times and contacted his mom for guidance during this process. I also had to work from home and take care of our dog. And, I handled it very well. I was under stress because well, the first night he didn’t sleep at all, so neither did I.

I felt absolutely exhausted running around and then on top of that, I had to work. I felt stronger though. I challenged myself not to complain and do what I always do — make it about me. Before, I would have been selfish and got tired of it, but when you truly love someone, you will do anything in your power to make them feel better.

My only goal was for him to feel better. And, watching him go through the pain and agony hurt like hell. I watched as tears rolled down his face and felt so helpless because there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t eat or relax because he was my main concern.

Again, this is how you know you’re deeply in love with someone: when they’re in pain, as are you. I sat back and went through this process with him. I think I fell in love with him more and more as the days progressed. I just don’t think I would love him anymore than I do. He is the love of my life and during this experience and hardship; I’ve learned the power of love. All I wanted to do was hug him and erase the pain, but it was never that simple.

In the end, we found out his pain was due to a sinus infection, so on top of his double procedure, he somehow developed a sinus infection. Regardless, it’s being treated and things are going back to normal.

Life is about falling in love, passing life’s greatest challenges, and having fun! So, when life throws a curveball and asks you to catch it, either you do or you let it fall. And, when life kicks your a**, you get right back up.

Via Huffington Post

To The Women Who Call Themselves Ugly

As women, we’re always critiquing and picking apart our body. We constantly bash ourselves about our appearance. It’s easy to convince ourselves that we’re ugly. Here’s The ugly truth, we actually listen.

The other day, I read this status made from someone on my Facebook, “I might be ugly but at least I ain’t stupid cause ugly can be fixed and your stupidity can’t.” And, this absolutely disgusted me. As a woman, why do we need to call ourselves, “ugly?” Why is it necessary to put ourselves down? Everyone is attractive in their own way.

Your personality might be cute as a button and that’s why so many people like you. Or, you may always make a negative into a positive, making you beautiful. We need to stop labeling ourselves as “unworthy” “ugly” or “stupid.”

So what if you don’t wear a size 0 or have a rather large nose, that doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love. Everyone deserves to be loved and to be happy. We need to start telling each other we’re beautiful. And, we must start believing and having confidence in ourselves.
In the past, only tall and thin-framed girls could be models.

But, now, you see plus size models are just as successful and still beautiful. So, whomever tells you you must be skinny to be attractive should go to hell! Feel comfortable in your own skin and feel proud of who you are.

Therefore, stop telling yourself you’re hideous when you look at yourself in the mirror. Post positive aspects of yourself and post it on your bathroom mirror. Then, after you write at least 5 positive characteristics of yourself, repeat them to yourself every single day. Don’t ever put yourself down. You are your worst enemy and nothing will change if you don’t alter the way you show yourself.

Via Thought Catalog

Dear Future Daughter

Dear Future Daughter:

I’m writing to you before I find out if I can have children, before I’m engaged, and before I’m ready to have children. There’s so much I want you to know about this world, your daddy and what kind of man we want you to be with. I could be jumping the gun a little bit here with your daddy, but he’s told me asking my hand in marriage is just a few months away. And, I’m not planning or wishing for it to come true. Instead, I’m taking it day-by-day and enjoying my time with him.

I’m going to tell you something about your daddy. He’s a special guy who will do anything and everything for his little girl. He’ll always protect you and love you like he loves his mommy. Your daddy will take spending time with you very seriously because he’ll love you to pieces and want to make memories.

Once the time comes, he’ll teach you that there are good men in this world and will be honest with you about the men who just want to sleep with you. He’ll want to know who is spending time with his little girl. And, I know for a fact if this man breaks your heart, your daddy will beat the crap out of him. He’ll feel devastated to see his little girl hurting and so, he’ll do everything in his power to cheer you up.

I know what kind of guy he is and what kind of father he’ll be because we have a dog–whom you’ll grow to love–who he plays, cuddles and takes on long walks. He cherishes the moments he spends with our pooch just like he’ll do with you.

He was raised to be respectful and courteous to women and that’s why I love him so much. He goes out of his way to do things for me and even puts me first. You will witness these acts of kindness by your daddy when you’re old enough to understand. You will learn who a good man is by watching your daddy love and care for me when I’m in pain. You’ll watch your daddy be my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my co-pilot and my partner for life.

Even though he’s a rather anti-social person and avoids chaotic situations, he’ll never pass up an opportunity to go somewhere with you or our family.

Society can be mean sometimes. I’m so sorry if you’re bullied in school. Daddy and I will teach you how to be a strong woman who doesn’t care what other people think of you. We’ll teach you to have a thick skin and defend yourself when people are cruel and rude to you. You will learn to be your own person because you’re unique, special and one of a kind!

Always remember that daddy and I love you and you will grow up into a beautiful and wonderful woman who will meet a man who desires you. Never settle for less because you’re a great person. We want you to meet a guy who would do anything for you–just like daddy.

Via Huffington Post

The Day I Stopped Feeling Sorry for Myself

So many people go through tragedies each day. Not having enough money to buy food, shelter or having a supportive family are some serious situations to be in. And, sometimes, those people who go through that never complain or talk about it. I’d like to be one of those who don’t even mention it or complain about it because what’s the point? Sure, everyone has their “breaking point,” but what is crying and being upset over it constantly going to do?

In the past, I complained about not having enough money to live on my own or not having enough money to do this and that. Instead of dwelling on my situation, I should have just accepted it and worked my ass off. Now that I’m finally out on my own, why not be happy? At first, I was terribly sad and missed my family every single day, but it was my decision to move to Tennessee. It wasn’t like I was made to leave PA and move far away. I chose to do so and I’d never take it back.

I’m done feeling sorry for myself because, well, there are people dealing with a father or mother who lost their parents or are coping with a loved one who has cancer. People are going through some real s*** out there, but they aren’t feeling sorry for themselves. For me, what I need to focus on right now is saving some money to buy a house, to pay off my student loans and enjoying my life in-between.

Previously, my articles focused on my frustrations of being a college graduate without a job. Most of them were written in the same voice and talked about the same concept. But, they were written by an immature girl who felt as if complaining was the way to becoming “noticed.” Boy was I wrong.

To be noticed, you have to tell a legit story in a mature manner. When writing about the negative, you need to also incorporate the positive. If you’re a negative person, you’re more than likely going to attract other negative people in your life, who might be a bad influence. So, stop being negative and if you’re feeling sorry for yourself, just stop. It doesn’t do you any good.

Via Huffington Post

I’m a Sucker for Weddings

I loved being a bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding and love attending them in general. So, whenever someone has one, I always become excited watching the guy and the gal recite their vows to one another.

I was never one to plan my wedding, envision how my dress and ring would look like or how I’d be proposed to, but at 26 and in a serious relationship, it’s often on my mind. Some people may believe there is no specific age when it comes to getting married, but by 26–if you’ve met ‘the one’–I believe it’s definitely time to tie the knot.

I did want to have kids by 24, so I’m a bit passed the age I predicted. I met my now serious boyfriend at 24, but it was way too early for kids to cross my mind. Here’s the thing though: my parents met at 19 and 23, had kids by 25 and 29, but their generation was different from the way we’re growing up. They had pre-planned jobs and things way less.

Weddings now-a-days are a bit more expensive.

I was chatting with a DIY Wedding Mentor and she told me the average cost of a wedding is $30,000. I mean, think about how ridiculous that is! Even if I had the money, I still wouldn’t desire to spend that much dough! You can budget a wedding for around $10,000. I know weddings are pricey, but when it all comes together, it’s quite exciting to be part of someone’s special day.

So, here are a few things I’ve learned through researching weddings:

• June, August, September, and October are the most popular, so I’d assume they’re the most expensive months.
• A morning wedding is cheaper because alcohol is expensive.
• When couples budget a wedding, they’re more likely to stay together than those who don’t take time to really plan it.
• BBQ and Pizza are the cheapest foods to serve at a wedding reception.
• Small get-togethers are more cost-effective.
• Making your own wedding decorations is less likely to cost you an arm and a leg.

Via Huffington Post

Death Is a Hard Topic to Swallow

I sit in silence listening to the fans circling round and round and feel a slight breeze on my face. I’m in the living room of my apartment. No, it’s not just my apartment. Rather, I share it with y boyfriend as well. It’s him, my puppy and I living in this apartment and I couldn’t be happier.

Life has a way of challenging you to see how strong you can be. Nothing is ever guaranteed. Heck, I could pass away tomorrow. It sounds morbid, but unfortunately, it’s the truth.

When I watched The Curious Life of Benjamin Button, it made me think of how precious life really is. It’s about a guy who is born old and then grows young. He watched everyone around him die while he gets younger and younger. The saddest part was when he dies as a newborn baby.

It made me start thinking about humans being born on this planet for a certain period of time and eventually die. From birth, in a way, life is set-up for us. We’re babies who grow up, go to school, graduate, attend college, start working, meet the person we’re going to marry, have kids, grow old, and die. We already have a plan set in stone. Very few people veer off this path. Maybe you won’t get married or go to school or even find a job. To those who can make that happen, I envy you! But, in the end, we’ll all end up buried in a grave or be made into ashes.

I’m not an emotional person whatsoever. I often break down when I’m alone. I don’t like people seeing me cry because I don’t want to appear vulnerable or I fear once I start, I won’t be able to stop. It’s rare that I’ve cried in front of anyone. So, in terms of death, I am absolutely terrible at comforting people or saying the right words. I mean, who the heck gets used to death? I don’t think I could ever get used to a loved one dying. When I think of my parents not being here one day, I cannot help but get choked up. And, if I do cry, I rarely tell anyone. Besides, what can you do for me? Sure, you can make me feel better, but you cannot take away the pain.

Death is difficult to swallow. I would tell you one of the things I’m most afraid of is death. I’m terrified of my boyfriend, family member, or someone I love dying in front of my eyes. I just don’t think I’m strong enough to handle that. How could I watch that? It’s a topic that must be talked about because it’s reality. In the end though, who likes talking about death? I just have to come to the realization that we’re all going to die.

Via Huffington Post