Making A Change In Your Life Isn’t Always A Bad Thing

I’m sitting in the clubhouse at my new apartment in Greenville.

Instead of thinking about the emotional stress I’m about to endure when we officially move, I’m focusing on finding a job, my new life with my husband, hanging out with our friends who live here and making memories.

If I were to think about how I won’t see my family or friends for a long time, it would do nothing but make me sad.

Here’s my advice to you: don’t fear change.

Change is hard, but instead of dwelling on the negatives, you should think about why you made the decision in the first place or why the decision was presented in front of your face. You must think to yourself, maybe this meant to be.

My husband and I came to Greenville last April for an engagement shoot one of my friends offered to do for us. We loved the area, but didn’t think much into it. We were going through a hard time at that point because he was about to lose my job and we had to move back home.

I know that I had a very difficult time grasping the fact that we needed to move back home until our wedding. But, then, we re-visited the option of Greenville in January again.

After discussing it and him getting an interview in Asheville to become a home inspector, we finally decided to take the leap and move here. We wanted to meet in the middle for a place to live and Greenville was it!

Now, we took a chance because he’s still going for his certificate and I do not have a job here – yet.

But, something told me it was okay. Something told me that I had to take this risk because well, I think it’s meant to be. I know I’ll find something eventually. Not to mention, it’s a great opportunity for him and whenever he talks about it, he lights up.

Nothing matters to me more than when my husband is happy. If he’s happy, I’m happy. And, that’s part of marriage. You need to make changes to benefit your partner. You need to sacrifice in order to help your partner out.

So, here we are, in Greenville.

Via Puckermob

Don’t Chase Memories

Memories.

Whether they’re good or bad, we all have them. Unfortunately, there are those you prefer not to remember, but for the most part, your mind flocks to the better memories. This is true when you break up with someone. Instead of remembering the bad times, you tend to think of the fun moments you shared. Your mind plays tricks on you and seems as if it wants you to feel miserable thinking of the good rather than the bad. But, then, you must bring yourself back to life and remember why you broke up with them in the first place.

It took me such a long time to get over my last boyfriend that it carried over into my latest relationship. In the beginning, I was so scared because I missed my ex-boyfriend and didn’t want to get close to another guy, so I pushed him away. But, then, I reminded myself why it didn’t work in the first place and I was brought back to reality.

When I’m at work or doing something, I sometimes am reminded about certain events in my life. The memories start flooding in and I miss that moment in my life. It takes me a little bit to come back to my present life.

Since my boyfriend and I are over 800 miles away from both our families, thinking about the past has been a regular occurrence. It was worse in the beginning because all I’d think about were the memories I shared with my family and friends. I mean, sure we still have conversations and talk to them often, but things definitely aren’t like they used to be.

You’ll never lose those moments and crucial memories in your mind as much as I’d like to. Sometimes that’s a good thing and sometimes it’s a bad thing. So, there’s no use dwelling on the bad happenings in your life because it will do nothing other than bring you down. Instead, think of your present life since you’ll never be able to jump back in time and change anything. Don’t chase your memories, live in the present!

Via Huffington Post

I just hate the memories.

I’m standing in the kitchen washing the dishes and then, bang, all of a sudden a memory re-enters  my mind.

My two friends & I are sitting at the Bell Tower at Temple studying for our English class. One of my gals is naming concepts from our class. Then, my other friend answers. I’m a bit distracted & I haven’t studied yet, so I just listen. The plan is for my potential boyfriend to meet us after his class so we could all study together. It’s a cold fall day, so we’re wearing jackets. Oh, I remember the breeze, how cold we were. I am sitting in my holed jeans with my hoodie up while I look over at the guy. He’s so cute in his jacket and tan pants. I could just eat him up as we all study together. I remember every detail of that day.

Afterward, we go grab a bite to eat before his next class. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, he had three classes and on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays, I had three classes. I went every day and so did he.

Oh, I could recount so many memories to you. So many thoughts, fears, feelings. SO. MANY. THINGS. 

I remember them all.

I won’t forget. I can’t forget. I don’t want to forget. 

I’m doing something. Then, out of nowhere, the memories come flooding back. They all come without warning. I can’t stop them. Why do they come?

I hate them. I hate the memories. I hate feeling like this. I hate having them. I hate feeling them.

I just hate the memories.

Push those thoughts out of mind, out of sight.

A group of us hung out last Friday night. He invited me out. I haven’t hung out with him in a while, so I figured I’d tag along to one of these “Meet-up” groups. Why not?

There’s still something there. I don’t believe it’s technically romantic, but I feel it. He flirts with me mostly, but at times, I do flirt back. It’s all in fun. He has no luck with girls. I’ve already had one or two dates since him and a boyfriend. No, I don’t want a boyfriend right now. I’d rather just have fun.

When we get there, we find out that it’s only three other guys, him and I. That’s all. But, then, another girl comes. She just graduated & she’s cute. Maybe a little bit out of his league.

Then, one of the guys asked how him & I know each other. I didn’t want to cock block him, so I didn’t say anything. He said those words, we used to date. The whole table was shocked. “How could you be friends with your ex?” She told me she didn’t want a relationship right now. Cool, Me either! She was pretty cool.

As the night went forward and we went to another bar, him & I laughed together when we talked about past memories. All was well. He let me drive his car home since he wanted to go to a concert and I couldn’t because I worked early the next morn. He asked me if he should ask her on a date. Um. She didn’t seem interested,

BUT, to my surprise, when the group hung out the next night as well, she told another girl she was interested in him. Um. Really? That was news to me. I think she felt strange because he was my ex.

So, he was going on a date with this girl. I’m jealous he has a date & I don’t. No, I’m not going there. Nah, I just. I don’t know. Who is this girl anyway? Come on, girl, you can’t break up our friendship. No way.  I’m trying to ask myself how I’m feeling about this. What are these feelings? You’re gross. Push them away. I swear, I’m trying.

Yuck.

Ew.

Gross.

Nasty.

Push those nasty feelings away.

Push those thoughts out of mind, out of sight.

The memories just won’t fade!

We sat together in the Paley Library on the high chairs near the library entrance talking & sitting close. We traded stories about how we met, how much we liked each other and how our day went. But, he always had to touch me, always had to have his arm around me. I didn’t mind the hand holding, but I did mind the constant touch.

Gosh, I remember when we sat at a stone bench on the top of the Anderson building telling him about my personal space. I needed my personal space in the very beginning of our relationship. This was a bad sign since we just began dating about a week before that. It was always constantly there. PLEASE. STOP. TOUCHING. ME.

I remember it like yesterday. Our relationship. The need to always touch me. What we did. How I felt. Everything. No, it hasn’t gone away yet. 

On July 27th, it will be 3 months since we broke up and the memories still stir in my mind. They rattle & roll never exiting my brain, always encircling. Can you please leave? I ask them. Please? I beg.

When I least expect it, they creep up without warning. Do I sound like a broken record? I believe I do. I repeat the same damn thoughts over & over. I haven’t dated a guy since & he just enters into my mind. No, I don’t want to date right now. I kept my word. I specifically told him that I didn’t want a boyfriend & I don’t have one. I’d rather be single right now. The thought of another guy touching me kind of sickens me. I’m not sure if he scarred me or I’m just not ready for another relationship. 

I’m completely focused on my career & writing. Writing is my #1 priority right now. Sorry boys! No way no how. I can’t lose sight. Remember what I want? Of course– to become a magazine writer! That’s the most important thing to me right now.

The memories just won’t fade!

Still–He just randomly enters into my brain without warning!

I sit listening to “Mary, Did You Know?” by Kenny Rogers and browse through StumbleUpon for various articles. Currently, I’m promoting my articles posted on TheCelebrity.com (feel free to take a peek.– type in Hope Kumor). 

I click on “French Literature” and am brought back to Gust’s class when my ex gave his presentation. I haven’t a clue why I’m brought back to this moment in time. I remember how nervous he was not making eye contact with a soul until the end. He never once glanced my direction as he spoke. He prepared, practiced & discussed it with me several times, but still, he was deathly afraid to speak in front of the whole class. When I gave mine, I was extremely apprehensive, but I made eye contact with the class since I was being graded on that as well. 

At times, moments such as these enter in my mind. They come without warning & I must either brush them to the side or write them down. Can you guess which I chose? ;]

I can’t forget. I won’t forget. Tears stream down my face as I recount these memories. I won’t brush them to the side because they are part of me. I don’t care if I have to write it several times, I’ll do it as many times as need be. I just can’t forget those moments.

Was I happy with him? I was so annoyed, frustrated, angry, pissed, sad, happy, excited– feeling all of these different emotions trying to figure out which was normal. Is it “normal” to be annoyed with your boyfriend when he touches you? Oh, come on, relax buddy! Stop. Halt. Quit while you’re ahead.

The question is– in which moment did I become annoyed when he touched me? It was my internship. I changed. Overtime, I became a different Hope. It taught me so many freakin’ things & I miss it like crazy. Oh, don’t worry, I’ll return to NYC. No worries here.

When will these memories fade a bit? When will I no longer miss him sometimes? When will I stop thinking about him sometimes or talk about him?

Soon?

Gosh, I hope so.

He just randomly enters into my brain without warning!

When will it end? Please let me know. Clue me in. I’m ready. I’m prepared. Please.

The July 4th Adventure.

I wake up at the usual time– 9:30 a.m with eyes fluttering. I don’t want to get out of bed because I’m very comfortable. But, I must since I have plans with my brother, him, his girl friend and her boyfriend.

We’re going to “Party on the Parkway” on Ben Franklin Parkway in Philly. The event is jam-packed with food, fun and games–atleast that’s what we assumed.

2:08 p.m.– That’s when the train would pull in to take us to Suburban Station, the stop. We gather our money and meet at the station around 2:05. He arrives late, barely making the train by 2 minutes. He comments about what is wrong with my makeup. You see, he hasn’t seen me wear the amount of makeup I’ve been putting on for the past few months since we haven’t hung out that often. Then, he mentions lipstick on my chin. He looks at me in a different way than usual. My own brother doesn’t even notice the lipstick problem!

Then, all three of us make our way on the train as it pulls up. My brother sits on the window side, him the middle and myself on the end. We all talk, trade some stories and laugh together. Out of nowhere, it happens. The memories. They come floating back so quickly that there’s no time to push them away. I can’t. TEMPLE UNIVERSITY. TRAIN RIDES. Gosh do I miss Temple. I’ve barely been out two months and already I miss it like crazy. I wish I could go back. Make my way back to the much simpler days where I could bury myself in homework.

I remember my ex & I used to sit outside on a bench at Anderson & talk. We would talk about Gust class & the amount of homework we each had. Gosh, I remember it like yesterday. Vivid pictures & memories of us running away from the rain. I remember the way he looked at me, the way we laughed together, smiled, enjoyed each other. Gosh, that’s all part of Temple. TEMPLE ❤

Then, I am snapped back into reality when he asks me what I’m currently doing. Um. Hm. Writing. Working. Searching for something, the meaning to life. Having fun. Trying to enjoy myself while I still can. Feeling sorry for myself. Missing Temple U and all of the memories that went along with it. God do I miss that school. No, I can’t go back. Instead, I must to focus on the day at hand. I try to leave the memories behind for one day & enjoy myself.

Around 3:00, we get to our stop. We all go to the restroom then search for the girl & her significant other. When we see them, he introduces all of us. I try talking to the girl, but she just doesn’t seem interested. I ask her where she works, life sort of questions. She answers, but never asks me anything. I begin walking with my original crowd and let her stay with her boo. We find out that this event is ALL food. It’s ungodly hot and we continue walking to check out the various food vendors. It is a bust because none of us are interested in buying food all day, so we decide to head to TGIFriday’s to grab a drink.

It’s only a few blocks down and the atmosphere is extremely awkward between him and the girl’s boyfriend because he hangs out with the girl a lot. Wouldn’t you be threatened and jealous? Duh.

On this day, he flirts with me and seems to be clingy. Alright. Okay. Hey, there’s a cute guy, duck while I smile at him! I’m so over him (finally!) I can say with 100% that I don’t have any feelings for him & I couldn’t be happier. Nope. Sorry. If he’s still into me, I apologize but I just don’t like you like that anymore.

At one point, when I make a jokey sort of kissy face he says with a weird look in his eyes,  I thought you were going to kiss me. Um. No. Thanks.  After a drink or two, everyone starts to loosen up and talk. I don’t plan on getting drunk, just merely have a drink or two. That’s it.

Whenever he drinks, he becomes obnoxious and clingy (though I’ve only seen him like that twice). Then, we decide to go to another bar. When we arrive, I see several hot, gorgeous guys that I’d love to get my hands on, but can’t. I’m with my brother and ex-ex for goodness sake! I needed my bestie present! If she were there, we would have been talking to a group of guys. I really missed her at that moment.

He asks me over & over if I’d like a beer. I’ll buy you the cider beer, he offers. No, no thanks. You don’t have to. He just wants to stand by me the whole time. Come on! But, I feel like myself. I am myself. I love the way I act when I’m hanging out with me. I don’t need to push to talk about something, make small talk, just talk to avoid the awkwardness. I can go with the flow & let it go. 

We plan to board the 7:45 train, while they take the 7:31 p.m. As we wait in the station, he tells me I’m acting different. Well, I’ve changed. I’m not the same. Since I began this NYC journey, I’ve become different. He just hasn’t hung out with me enough to notice.

On the ride home, he wants to talk while I just want to write. Gosh, I yearn for a piece of paper to write my thoughts, dreams & problems of the day. I look in my purse for anything, a napkin? Nope. Nothing.

AGAIN– It comes back– the memories. They resurface and stick around. We take one of those new trains. In the fall, on Tuesdays & Thursdays, I used to stay after for my then boyfriend. I had a decent amount of homework, but I stayed for two reasons– so I could get some interviews for my most recent story & for him. Oh boy. Then, I would take the West Trenton train, which was usually the new train. I had to stand on the train because it was so crowded. It came back. Oh boy, so strong. The electronic announcements.  You haven’t a clue. I wasn’t able to get any homework done since I was standing. It was around 9:00 by the time I made my way home. The next day, I had class at 11:00 and so did he. When I was about to get off at the Temple stop, I’d turn on my Ipod & play the song “Record Collector.” It was a perfect walking-off-the-train-song. Gosh, I remember. They came back. I could go on for hours & hours about what I remember & recall. 

He wants to go on an adventure, but truly, all I want to do is go home & write. What a dork, nerd, weirdo, but it’s true. I want to write while the memories are there.

It was an okay day. I believe he uses me as his “back-up” plan when he has no other girls in his life. I think he might still feel a little something for me, but it’s not a girlfriend thing, more of a she’s pretty sort of feeling. I don’t mind, it’s cool. I would NEVER get back together with him though. Nah, Sorrys, dude.

Instead of going on an adventure, we walk up to my local elementary school to watch fireworks, with my other brother. It’s not too bad. The fireworks are nice.

But, I KNEW the memories would flood back as soon as I took that train again. I hated it. Ew. When will I ever get over THIS? What the f*** am I going to do when the fall comes & all of the students are happily going back to school? That’s so not fair. You suck. I so don’t like you. I’m super jealous! That’s unreal.

I must face the facts. I’m no longer a student. Unless I go to grad school, which would only be because I miss school so badly, I will NEVER be a college student. Tears form in my eyes as I think of this notion. You’re gross, nasty, disgusting, grotesque! 

This was just my July 4th Adventure, but I’ll have another one to check out my next step.

Ew.