You Can Never Be Prepared For A Loved One To Pass Away

I don’t think I’m going to be able to walk into a nursing home for a while.

It’s just too painful for me and evokes too many memories. I don’t like to think of memories because then I’ll get sad and the waterworks will start. I’m afraid that once I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.

My grandmother passed away on March 10th.

My first thought was I  feel bad for dad because he just lost his mom. On the day of the funeral, I watched him sit there with a stone cold look on his face while he stared at my grandmother’s body. I knew he was weeping on the inside, but he just didn’t want to display his emotions.

I’ve only seen my father cry once in my life and that was when my cousin Eddie passed away. I was sure this would be the second time, but he didn’t show us. He hid it until no one was looking.

After all of us said our goodbyes, the minister shut the door with my mother and father in the room. I remember watching my father’s face and feeling horrible. My mother was always there for us when my dad wasn’t, she always supported us, my dad would tell me.

I wish I was better at comforting people because I would have hugged my dad really tight and told him everything was going to be alright.

Instead, I stood there for a second before getting into the car to head to the church. I couldn’t move, though, so I just stared at the door he just closed.

In reality, the sight of anyone crying would have set me off because I was going through an emotional rollercoaster between moving and my grandma passing away.

Growing up, I was never really close with my grandma.

It’s not to say I wasn’t sad when she passed, but my brothers and I never saw her that often. She babysat us a few times and came to all of our parties as well as a few of my recitals, but I don’t have specific memories of her.

I know my cousins were closer to her and they might have been feeling the loss a little greater than my brothers and me.

But, in general, you can never really be prepared for a loved one to die. How can you really prepare your mind for that? It’s hard to let go of someone you love and someone who has supported you through thick and thin. But, you need to let them go, though. You need to focus on the positive – like they’re no longer suffering. That’s what I try to tell my dad time and time again, but I know there’s nothing I can say or do to make him feel better.

In the end, I know he’ll be okay and that’s all that matters.

Via Puckermob

Death of a Cat

Death.

Such a horrid thing. People die every day, every hour, in fact, every minute. We often cannot accept someone close to us passing away, but we take our mind off of it by distracting ourselves. We deal with death in various ways. Some may break down and cry and others might pretend as of nothing has happened.

This morning, around 7:30 a.m., my cat died. Sure, this cat was not a person and the pain isn’t as extreme, but it hurts. My mother brought me in the room where the dead cat was laying and I just stared at it. With its mouth open, I couldn’t look away. I didn’t express any sort of emotion, but that doesn’t mean I’m cold or not sad. It usually hits me later on in the day at a random hour. My mother, however, is different. She broke down in front of my very eyes while I tightly hugged her.

It’s quite sad. We’ve had this cat for about a year. It was a stray, so it wasn’t exactly healthy when we found him. BUT, we took him to the vet. A few days ago, he randomly started looking sick. My parents scheduled a vet appointment for tomorrow, but it was too late.

I feel ill. I feel ill and sad. I tell myself not to cry, but later on, when no one is looking, I just might. Today is the day where you just don’t mess with me. Ever have those days?

RIP– Pumpkin.

IMG_20131213_222506

 

IMG_20140529_073131

 

IMG_20140131_094148

 

IMG_20130906_113933