Here’s Hoping I Can Keep My Emotions Together

I’m in Greenville and I’m at Walmart picking out the curtains and garbage bags for our new apartment. I’m in my own world as I take a look around the store.

My dad calls me, but doesn’t leave a message while I’m chatting away with my husband about shower curtains.

I know that if my dad called me, the conversation wasn’t going to be a good one, especially since he doesn’t leave a message.

I nervously dial his number and wait for him to answer.

When he doesn’t, I breathe a sigh of relief because maybe just maybe he accidently dialed my number. I think, maybe it was a butt dial.

Then, a minute later, my phone rings.

He clears his throat before telling me my grandma has stopped eating. “She didn’t eat this morning or this afternoon. I’m thinking maybe tonight or tomorrow.”

My husband and I were set to move to Greenville on March 13th. We’d arranged the truck rental, our belongings and we were ready to leave PA. But, when I got that call, it changed everything.

“Okay, well, I’m going to have to stay and Brett has to go with his parents,” I said.

It was the only option.

When I got off the phone, I felt sad for my dad. His mom is dying and he must be devastated. Sure, it was bound to happen, but I figured it would be at least another year down the road. And, what great timing it was to occur.

The next day, my mom sent a text around 2 saying that grandma passed.

I felt pretty down that day for some reason. I was in North Carolina waiting for my husband to take a break from class and eat lunch with me.

I laid down across my front and passenger seats telling myself not to get upset, don’t let my emotions get the best of me. I kept repeating the same thing over and over to myself. I haven’t thought much about my emotions because I fear I won’t be able to control myself.

The plan was his parents had to bring the enterprise truck back in PA – near my parents house – so I drove back with them to attend the funeral. So, his folks generously drove down with us, helped us arrange everything and left two days later to continue their lives.

Gosh, I’m trying to be strong and not lose it. I just hope I have the strength to keep it together because I feel my throat tightening.

5 Tough Challenges You’ll Unfortunately Experience When Moving Far From Home

I live approximately 829 miles away from home. I figured that out by typing my old address and new address into google maps. So, my family will never just randomly “stop by” for a visit to surprise my boyfriend and I one day. They can’t go on over if there’s a problem. They won’t even be available if I really need some advice. We have both the telephone and Skype for those things.

With moving away, there are several challenges you’ll have to face.

1.  You’re not a little kid anymore.

Growing up is hard to do, but we have to face it, it will have to happen someday. We must leave the nest and take more responsibility. And, moving that far away will allow plenty of freedom.

2. Paying bills suck!

As if we don’t have enough to pay for– student loans, cough, cough. Now, we must pay for rent, utilities as well as groceries. Ugh! And, mom and dad cannot pay your bills for you because they’re too far away.

3. What do I do if my car breaks down?

Well, if you’re like me and live with your boyfriend, you’re lucky because he’ll be there to save the day. HOWEVER, if you’re on your own, calling AAA or a towing company would be your best bet. I hate cars.

4. It’s hard to make friends.

So, you had plenty of friends in your old town, but making new ones isn’t always easy. It can be a long process to build friendships and keep em’. But, if you work with nice people, then you’ll make them soon enough!

5. Feeling completely and utterly alone.

In the beginning, I felt utterly alone without friends or family by my side. Sure, I had my boyfriend, but I couldn’t always depend on him for everything! You’ll get over the initial feeling of loneliness once you become more accustomed to your surroundings.

Via Thought Catalog

When Words Hurt Like Sticks And Stones

“You’re no longer romantic anymore,” I said to my boyfriend on a random Friday night. He stopped in his tracks and looked at me. I didn’t think it sounded rude or hurtful or think he’d get offended by it; I was just saying what was on my mind.

This happened right before we were running errands and working out, so it wasn’t a very pleasant outing. And, I figured out why this hit him hard. He’s been doing everything he can for me and when I said that, it sounds as if I don’t appreciate what he’s done for me. I get it too. I would also feel a sting after hearing that comment, but I that never stopped my mouth from forming the words.

Sometimes, you’re not always aware how hurtful words can be. I’m a culprit of being too truthful too often and it affects other around me. It’s as if I don’t know how to shut it off or shut up sometimes. It’s going to get me into big trouble one day and I know it. I never think of the aftermath. Instead, I just simply blurt out what I’m thinking.

There have been times I’ve hurt my mother, brothers and friends with my words. You’d think I’d learn by now, but there I am just humming through life not realizing what I’m saying. My boyfriend and I have gotten into arguments due to my extensive vocabulary. Sometimes, he just tells me to be quiet. And, the truth is, I think it’s better that way. I can stop myself from saying something I’ll regret later on. This is how I know I’ve done it again: I see my boyfriend’s reaction. His voice will get very serious and he has this look on his face. Then, my heart starts beating a mile a minute and I know I shouldn’t have said it. I hate others being mad at me, so my immediate reaction is to fix it. I walk over and try to talk to him about it. But, it’s too late because what I said had come out. I can’t take it back. Rather, I can only fix it and move forward. I ask myself, “Why did I just say that?” I can be a very selfish person and don’t think about what my words will do to someone I love. I swear I don’t mean it. I’m not a spiteful or hurtful person by any means. I just let my feelings and emotions get the best of me and then allow them to spill out like word vomit. But, I know I must learn not to be too truthful or I could seriously lose the people I love. Via Thought Catalog

How to Make the Best of Your Single Valentine’s Day

Single for Valentine’s Day? Don’t fret read my article (Circa Feb 2012) published on Her Campus Temple about-

How to Make the Best of Your Single Valentine’s Day

single_valentines_day-resized-600

So, you’re single. How many times do you want to hear your friend talk about how she and her boyfriend went on another spectacular date with a candle-light dinner and dancing? It gets sickening after a while as she describes every moment with a bright smile. Of course you’re happy for her, but it must be hard having hearing about her companionship while you are single.

But you can let her have her time with her man while you live it up in the single life, which definitely has its perks. Even though being single can sometimes be depressing, it also has its advantages. You don’t have to answer to anyone, you can go out to any club without a guy at home getting jealous, you’re able to flirt with whomever you please and have no one to distract you from that paper you’ve been putting off. It sounds like the life to me.

As we all are painstakingly aware, the worst holiday for singles is coming up: Valentine’s Day. But this year, rather than sulking under your covers with Ben and Jerry, you’re going to be busy enjoying your freedom. Here are some fun things to do while your BFF is occupied with her sweetheart.

1. You’ve got a great body; don’t let it go to waste all alone in your apartment! Go out to a club with some friends and dance the night away, flirt a little. Just have some fun and let loose.

2. Just because couples are ice skating at Penn’s Landing doesn’t mean you can’t join in the fun solo. In fact, ask a few friends to come join, it may be fun as well as entertaining. Plus, admission is $8 and $9 for Friday and Saturday between 8:30 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. and only $3 extra for skate rentals.

3. Have a girl’s night at your apartment. Invite friends over for dinner, paint your nails, drink cocktails, watch movies and indulge in some scandalous girl talk.

4. Instead of spending money on a man this year, treat yourself. Go out and get a manicure or pedicure to feel sexy and glamorous.

5. Read a good book, or even your favorite magazine. It may sound like a boring and plain idea, but escaping from the world for a few hours might do you some good!

6. Relax, watch television, or take a bubble bath. Just enjoy being single and unattached while you can. One day, you’ll have kids running around, an adult job and a husband to take care of, and you’ll long for the days when you had the luxury of having time to yourself.

Remember, Valentine’s Day isn’t always about couples and their love for one another. It’s also about spending time with the people you love, like friends and family. Most importantly, it’ about showing love to your greatest supporter: yourself. You’re at the peak of your life, finding out who you are and who you want to be. With that said, being single is a privilege, cherish it!

I’m Not Sure I’ll Ever Get My Dream Job

In the past, my articles consists of complaint after complaint after complaint. It was rather nasty. I have a brand new approach though. I’m simply re-publishing some articles for you to take a peek at. And, Millennials, I know you feel as if you’re losing all hope, but hang in there and read my next post called:

I’m Not Sure I’ll Ever Get My Dream Job

It’s a daily struggle to search for jobs and not find a thing. I am often questioning whether I should take another minimum wage internship in my desired industry or take a job unrelated to my degree. I’m terrified when it comes to my future.

I really want a job in the magazine industry, but during the last two months I’ve started to think about giving up on my magazine job dream and just go after a job that pays the bills. Would that completely screw me over so badly that I wouldn’t be able to find a way back into the industry?

Do you know how freaking competitive this industry is? It’s literally cut throat. Women backstab one another without a care. I have a difficult decision to make and I think about it daily. It begins to eat at me and consume my entire mind. How will I know if I choose the right thing or not?

Devil Wears Prada Movie
The Devil Wears Prada, wear fiction and reality are closely related

My next question is why do we choose to even go to college if we’re not guaranteed a job afterward? It’s a huge risk we’re taking. Again, how do you know which direction to go? No one knows what lays ahead. Life is always so uncertain. We’ll never know which route to choose on any given day. I struggle with job stuff every day. I have an associate degree in journalism and a bachelor’s in English. Where has it gotten me? At 24, I’m still without a job. Sure, I have an internship, but that’s not paying me enough to live.

It’s pretty sad and pathetic when you have to make up excuses to your friends when they ask you to go out to dinner. I hate worrying about money. I don’t talk about it. I’m sick of thinking about it. I’m literally mortified about not having enough funds to go out for a bite to eat.

How the hell do you tell your friends, “I can’t because I don’t have money.”

“Really, you don’t have like 10 bucks to head to the local diner?” they say.

Nope, all of my money goes toward my commute and car payments.

Two weeks ago when I went to a Cosmopolitan magazine event, I witnessed desperate gals shove their resumes in the hands of these magazine editors, who in my opinion probably didn’t care.  They want a job so badly that they will do whatever it takes, even something potentially embarrassing.

I used to believe I’d be rich, famous and successful with a big time magazine job. I began to imagine living in a New York City condo with my family. I’d have so much money that I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I would tell my parents not to worry about getting old because I’d take care of them.

But, at some point, it sort of changed when I realized that was nothing but a dream, an imagination in my mind. Do you know that magazine editors aren’t paid that much? In order to make the mega bucks, you must be an editor-in-chief and no way would I like to take on that much responsibility. Not to mention, I don’t think I’d be cut-out for bossing others around.

But even once I land a full-time job, I still have to worry about my damn student loans. They will always be there since I’m about $30,000 in debt! The worrying and frustration never stops at this age. Another thing I worry about is being laid off. What happens if I get the opportunity, but am let go due to the economy and low funds?

Nothing is guaranteed and I’m frightened more than you’ll ever know.

On Compromising On The ‘Dream Job’

Millennials: I feel you.

I know what you’re going through job-wise. It’s disgusting out there and so difficult to land a job these days. But, don’t fret because you’ll get there. And, ps, your first or second jobs are NEVER how you picture them or what you want them to be. This line could have saved me before I got my first FT job. Oh well, you live and you learn.

I’m taking you back to Summer 2014, when I was working at a local café shop hating life. The article is called:

On Compromising On The ‘Dream Job’

I swore I would never work at another retail store after working at Barnes & Noble for three years.

In October 2013, I obtained an internship at Family Circle Magazine and told myself I was done with the retail world. I would fulfill my dream of becoming a magazine writer and never look back.

I thought I was set once I received word of this fabulous internship. Even before the internship was completed, I began searching for a job to cover my ass. I searched, browsed and looked while I had the internship so I wouldn’t be caught by the end. I was over prepared and ready to get that dream job once I was finished in April.

But, just like everything else, it was too good to be true. My preparations didn’t do a thing because after my last day at Family Circle, I still had nothing. Sure, I had plenty of connections, more experience and I knew what I wanted. I geared myself more toward PR/social media. I freelanced more, attended events for the blog I write for Small Chick Big Deals and tried to put myself out there.

However, nothing happened. Nothing followed this internship. I’m not saying it was a waste because I learned a decent amount, I’m just saying, I expected an entry-level job after this. Maybe my expectations were too high?

Anyway, from April to May, I sifted through countless sites to see if I could find anything. Instead — out of desperation — I had to settle for a part-time gig as a waitress. I did not want it. I hated it. I would walk in and look absolutely miserable. Now, if you know me, you’re aware of my 100-watt smile. You’ll often find me laughing and smiling, not looking disgusted. I was so unhappy and as bad as it was to not earn money, I had to get out. So, I sort of quit.

At my new job.
At my new job.

After that, I needed something to fill in the gaps, so I started working at a coffee shop. That’s what I’m doing right now. Working as a barista and never did I think I’d be back here. Never did I think I’d be back in this position. I’m asking you—what’s the point of college?

I contemplated going back to school for nutrition, but I decided against it simply because there’s no guarantee I’ll find something. What happens if I don’t? I’ll be back where I started. It’s not worth it to me. I will never ever forget this time in my life. I would say with certainty that I would never go back to this age because other than my relationship, it’s been absolutely horrible.

I cried tonight. I never cry. I can do better than this and I know it. I didn’t earn my associate degree and bachelor’s degree to work a part-time gig. I did it because I want to earn decent money and do what I love — writing.

I’m miserable and I’ve hit rock bottom. I keep telling my parents that I’m beyond the point of caring. I just want to work Monday-Friday and do something I love. Sure, it’s easier said than done. I’m competing against class of 2013 and 2014 now.

This isn’t just me complaining about wanting a job. No, this is more of a precaution for all these high school students beginning college. I’m telling you — please do everything you can while you’re in school, like internships, volunteer, freelance, write for free. Please don’t end up in this boat.

Sure, I’ve have a crap load of experience, but I want you get 10 times my experience so you don’t feel like me.

Why Don’t We Ever Talk About Death & Dying?

So, the truth is, we don’t like to talk about the topic of death. I don’t have to ask why because I know. In the past, I wrote-up an article on Buster & Ellie centering around death & dying:

Why Don’t We Ever Talk About Death & Dying?

It looms over us every day of our lives. We know it’s there. Some people try to ignore it, put it in the back of their minds. However, it still comes and we can’t stop it from rearing its ugly head into our lives.

I’m speaking of the topic no one desires to talk of or think about, trying to forget it, but it comes out of nowhere. One day you’re enjoying tea with your partner and then out of nowhere they pass away.

Sometimes it comes with a warning and others you haven’t a clue why. It’s sad, depressing and absolutely disgusting. As much of we don’t want to talk about it, we have to. After all, it’s reality. You come into this world to live and die. How harsh and real, but it’s very truthful.

On almost a daily basis, I think about death. I try to imagine my life without my loved ones. At this point, I couldn’t picture my life without my parents. I mean, damn, they’ve been on this earth, right in front of me since I was born. I must face the nasty reality – one day, they won’t be here.

This gets me thinking. I must appreciate every day and enjoy the company of my loved ones. It gets hard sometimes since I’m the type to not appreciate something until it’s gone. My hope is I won’t do that when it comes to people in my life. You never truly know when someone will die.

My first experience with death happened when I was 11 years old. My 6-year-old cousin passed away from swallowing a pushpin. It was ruled an accidental death and I was petrified. I didn’t completely understand what happened. I mean, sure, I was in middle school, but I was still young. I thought he would come back. I wasn’t aware that the person was never coming back and staying underground, cold, brittle and hard. After that, I thought about death more than anything.

There have been times where I contemplated my own death. I began to think about how simple and easy death was. Literally, there were knives in my kitchen and one foul swoop to my heart could kill me. I didn’t give in. But, I must confess there was this one time about a year ago that I was so close to harming myself. I had to work that day and didn’t want to go. My thoughts went to my kitchen cabinet, where the knives were. I walked into the kitchen in almost tears and looked at the knives. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, but I was certainly close to performing this act. Everything would have ended. No more pursuing a career in magazine writing, no getting married, no having kids, no going on long car rides. That would be it and I’d didn’t want that. I talked myself out of it. No one knew and I wasn’t about to discuss this with anyone else. I was partially embarrassed and didn’t want to bring it up.

One of my favorite neighbors whom I grew up with was diagnosed with cancer a few years back. I had to endure her become weaker and weaker and I felt sick. I never spoke about my feelings though. I hide them. I expressed them through words instead of language. Every time I’d see her, she’d appear sicker and weaker.

The last time I saw her was when I gave her a photo of my then-boyfriend and I. I was in a rush that day because I had plans with my boyfriend too, so I only stayed over for a few minutes. That was the last time I ever saw her. At her funeral, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t talk about how I felt. I had to choke back the tears. I couldn’t show the whole world that I was a softy who was crying. I rarely cry in front of anyone and I wasn’t about do it there in front of my parents. I barely ate that day and sat in my room writing about the experience.

Death scares us all. We think about all of these precious moments with our loved ones and miss the person like crazy. I can’t even bear the thought of my close friends dying. I mean, I’m very realistic and know it will come, but how the hell am I going to deal with it. How will I go through that? How the hell will I cope with the death?

death-and-dying

With so many thoughts running through my mind that I can barely keep up, I think about this topic with open eyes. I used to think “Why do we build relationships with others if we’re all destined to die one day?” I mean, what’s the point? It wouldn’t hurt as much if you don’t have anyone. It would be a very lonely life, but you wouldn’t have to grieve when a loved one’s passes away because you don’t have anyone, right? It’s so true, but who would like to live such a lonely life with no memories to show for it?

I can’t tell you how much I think about things – mostly death of course. How could you not though?

Whenever I bring up this topic in front of my parents, they hate it and wish to talk about something else. Why avoid the subject when it will happen to all of us? You need to deal with it though. It’s the truth.

I think it is important we talk about this subject and don’t keep it a secret. If you’d like to, email – Hopeandlove89@gmail.com – I’m here for you.

If you or someone you know are struggling and need someone to talk, no matter what your problems are, call 1-800-273-TALK and you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7. 

Things have changed in the past year.

K. So. Let’s see here… one year ago yesterday, OCTOBER 16TH, was THE first time I hung out with my now-boyfriend. We met at Planet Fitness in Langhorne. Literally, this guy thought I wouldn’t show. He kept saying that over & over again. When it comes to dates, I’m damn good!

At 12:30, we were set to meet at PF, work out and enjoy some scrumptious food at TGI Fridays! I was scared shitless & nervous to the core. He tried calling me two nights before that, but I was too frightened to pick it, Um. I have to say, I hate talking on the phone, but now, it’s different. I love hearing Brett’s voice. Though, I’d so rather hang with him face-to-face, but it’s better than a text message. Therefore, on the days we can’t see each other, I look forward to our phone calls. But, before, I was petrified like a child.

I was sort of hiding in the locker room before he texted me and told me to quit hiding! (How did he know?)  When we came face-to-face, he hugged me stating how cute I actually was. Literally, we hit it off. We were off to the races and walked on the treadmill first. Oh, boy, I remember it. I remember EVERYTHING about it,–from start to finish.

We chatted. Worked out. And, most of all, it was not awkward at all. In fact, it’s NEVER been awkward. Ever. I could talk to him every day & never get tired if him.

You see, most girls want a guy. They’re yearning, desiring, looking & longing to be in a committed relationship. They often dream of a Nicholas Sparks romance like in the movies. Who doesn’t want that kind of love though? I know it’s not reality, but everyone can fantasize how they’d like it to be. As I stated before— on several occasions— I got damnnn lucky with my man.

I think back to how I was a year ago. Do you ever do that? Think back to how you once were. I mean, I was a sad sap.  Desperate. Looking for a guy to fulfill my void. I was in search of something, but couldn’t figure it out.  TBH– I’m still in search of something; careerwise. What the hell is it? Will I ever get it? Will I ever obtain my dream gig? If so, when? When will it happen? I’m sick of waiting. Sick of looking, soul-searching & yearning for it.

I mean, I’ve found the one. He’s everything I need & more. I’m just trying to think 2013 Hope Kumor. I was different. I had just met Brett Evans. How the fuck could I have put this guy in the friend zone? I cannot believe that happened, but it did. It’s real. It’s reality. He did not have to accept my date. Our third date was a “double date” with my bestie and her man. I simply asked him if he’d like to tag along. My bestie told me not to give up on him.

It was me. I was messed up. I was so indecisive & still am. But, to think that I could have ruined everything makes me absolutely sick. I would have regret it. I knew there something there, but I was so fucking scared. I’m telling you. I was caught up in my dream of becoming a magazine writer and trying to decide if I wanted or needed a boyfriend. I was all out of sorts living my New York dream. You see, my career always came first. Well, that was until I met the love of my life, Brett. He altered me, but in a good way. He taught me so much. I learned about myself through him.

I once had notes on my mirror stating, “You are gorgeous” “You are beautiful” “Love yourself.” He entered my room, saw them & asked why they were there. Um. I wasn’t so confident. There are days I feel more confident than others. But, I must tell you, a year ago, I was not as confident as I am now. 

Brett taught me to love myself, dress more confident and not to be afraid to grow the hell up. He also taught me I’m a lot better looking than I found myself to be. He was my teacher &  professor teaching me something every day! I love him for it. I fell in love with his mind, body & soul.

Things have changed. Yes, they’ve changed a lot in the past year!

Me.

(SEPTEMBER 2013)

MEE

(SEPTEMBER 2014)

#Chchchanges

I’m worried about him.

B.

(Him & I)

Two Days On Two Days Off. Off. On. Sick. Healthy. Tired. Working Out. Cold. Hot. Angry. Sad. Positive. Negative.

No, I’m not referring to myself. Rather, I’m speaking about the boyfriend. His new job is wicked. It’s affecting his health– in a bad way.  He’s lost weight and muscle mass. He still has nice muscles, but he’s not a happy camper. I tell him if he can’t handle it, he should go back to his other shift. He works 7PM-7AM. Who wants to work that shift? Not a soul. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.

I miss him. I miss him so much. I missed him today. I missed him so much that it hurt. I was in pain because I wanted him, desired him, longed for him & needed him.

I love him. I love him so much. I think about him all the time.

I appreciate him. Is he the one? my brother asks. Yes, I believe he’s the one, I say back. I do believe. I do. 

We lay on his bed, cuddle when he turns to me, looks in my eyes and whispers, I love you. I smile coyly and say, I love you too. We smile together and kiss. We laugh. We cuddle. We smooch. 

I’m worried about him. I’m worried about his health. I hope he doesn’t get too sick. I hope this job doesn’t drive him to the hospital. I hope he doesn’t have a heart attack.

I’m worried.

I’m just worried about him.

When will you breathe?

When will you breathe: 10 years.

On our 4th date, we sat in his car listening to various tunes on his iPod. Expressionless and staring into space without a word, I listened to the lyrics from one of his favorite songs. I concentrated and didn’t speak. I couldn’t. I felt his pain circulate throughout my body and wanted it to stay. I needed to feel what he felt, understand what he went through all of these years being alone without a soul to console him. He went through so much and I wanted to be there.

I felt his anger. I felt his pain. The tears nearly formed in my eyes when I listened to this song. So sad. So painful. So dreary. Filled with pure and utter loneliness.

Looking into dark skies makes you
Feel this loneliness that breaks you
But you made it through this…
But you made it through this…

The stars shine to tell you it’s OK now
You’re fighting, but you still can not breathe now
You made it through this…
But you made it through this…

I know you hate this
The tears roll down your face
To pale complexions
Are stone and won’t erase

Your eyes close every night waiting to be there
The morning fucks your plan, when will you breathe
But you made it through this…
But you made it through this…
I know you hate this
The tears roll down your face
To pale complexions
Are stone and won’t erase
I know you hate this
The tears roll down your face
To pale complexions
Are stone and won’t erase 

Sometimes my eyes fill with tears for no reason, he shared with me in his car as I sat on his lap staring into his pained eyes.

In every bone in my body, I felt the tragedy, loneliness, disheartening truth he had to bear. I swear, I felt it and I wasn’t even aware of it. I think back to that cold and breezy October 2013 night when we made our way to Deanna’s Bar in Lambertville. He looked into my eyes and said, would you hold it against me if I told you you’re gorgeous? blushing, I replied, no. He stared at me with a glitter in his eyes as we sat our meal. It was a romantic and dark setting as we spoke and traded stories. Do you trust me? I asked. With certainty, he said, 100 percent. Wow, you don’t trust anyoneWith a certain look in his eyes, he said, I can judge character.

Thinking back from that point to now is overwhelming. I remember when I wanted nothing to do with this guy and now I’m really digging and falling for him.

WHEN. WILL. YOU. BREATHE.